Sex Edition: Zaidi: Rethink monogamy’s place as our society’s default relationship type

Monogamy is so 20th century.

Honestly, you probably love all your friends, anyway. Why not love them a little more? Be polyamorous.

For much of the history of Western civilization, monogamy — being in only one mutually committed relationship, usually marriage — has been society’s default, idealized relationship type. Today, many of us practice “serial monogamy” — dating or marrying several people throughout the course of a lifetime while generally only engaging in one relationship at a time.

However, the notion that everyone will be satisfied by a monogamous relationship is not necessarily true. Yet most are reluctant to push these boundaries and enter into a polyamorous relationship — or one that is “[a] long-term, romantically committed, multiple-partner relationship,” according to the organization Polyamorous NYC, which serves the needs of the LGBT community.

Anarchist thinker Emma Goldman, in her widely available collection of writings “Red Emma Speaks,” suggests, “The contortions of which we see in matrimonial tragedies and comedies is invariably a one-sided, bigoted accuser, convinced of his own righteousness and the meanness, cruelty, and guilt of his victim.” In other words, people hold jealousy in their monogamous relationships resulting in their being one-sided “accusers,” ultimately evidencing our increases in divorce statistics.

According to the Pennsylvania census, in 2009, 10,340,166 people who were 15 years or older had been divorced. Of those, 4,978,735 were men and 5,361,431 were women. Let’s focus in on those who got married versus those who were divorced within our larger statistic. 77,288 men and 76,594 women were married in 2009. 38,277 men and 39,919 women were divorced. This shows us that almost half of the population that gets married remains unhappy with the situation and chooses divorce over their one-on-one commitment.

I point to jealousy as one of the main factors behind this divorce rate. So, how many relationships end up in jealousy or the resulting “lack of commitment” from that jealousy?

The National Fatherhood Initiative, a nonprofit that aims to increase the involvement of fathers in children’s lives, released a study that suggested that the most common reason given for divorce was “lack of commitment” (with 73 percent claiming this as a major reason). Other significant reasons included too much arguing (56 percent), infidelity (55 percent), marrying too young (46 percent), unrealistic expectations (45 percent), lack of equality in the relationship (44 percent), lack of preparation for marriage (41 percent) and abuse (29 percent).”

The highest figures above relate to trust and deviation from expected marriage standards. Jealousy stems from potentially a majority of those statistics. So how do we address lack of commitment? Why do we even need to? Are human beings meant to be monogamous?

To avoid jealousy, we, as a society, should accept polyamorous relationships and embrace the desire to be with more than one person. In part, it fixes the envy factor within a relationship, because each party involved has to deal with multiple love interests — otherwise, they end up losing because of their lack of inclusion in the relationship at all.

Elisabeth Sheff, a scholar in the field of ethnography and particularly polyamory, cites Morgan, a 29-year-old white accountant and mother of one. Morgan believes, according to Sheff’s work, that monogamous relationships create competitive grounds between women. Morgan connected what she viewed as stronger bonds between polyamorous women not only to the potential for them to develop a sexual relationship but the shift in the balance of power generated by bisexuality and increase in choice and autonomy from men. In other words, she grew to love her fellow woman and include her, rather than leave her on the other side as a potential competitor for other men.

During her life, Goldman also believed in the ideals of polyamorous relationships and, more specifically, she argued for these relationships as beneficial in eradicating the aforementioned jealousy that leads to so much divorce and mistrust among monogamous couples. Goldman stated, “Jealousy is obsessed by the sense of possession and vengeance.” This idea of possession is nearly eradicated via polyamory because of the exchange of partners, so this proves another push toward the issues of monogamy. Ultimately, sharing is caring.

That’s not to say that the realm of polyamory completely escapes the threat of jealousy. The Journal of Contemporary Ethnography says: “Feelings of jealousy or strife often plagued relationships among polyamorous women. The most common source of discord was difficulty sharing a lover.” However, I suggest that this is a version of jealousy that most are not accustomed to — it’s a jealousy we see and don’t embrace in monogamy. In other words, bring on the jealousy, because it’s no longer one-on-one.

Jealousy within the polyamorous relationship can be dealt with in a more reasoned fashion because of the nature of the group structure — the perfect place for conflict resolution. This can be extremely hard for subscribers of traditional marriage to understand, but it is a notion that should be given its fair share of consideration by many monogamous couples. We must again look to the benefits of the group versus a pair.

Emotional passivity, one of the most dangerous reactions to disagreement, is extremely hard to maintain in a group setting. In any group setting, you get called out immediately when you make a mistake. In a monogamous pair, however, it becomes much harder to cease passive aggression. This could end in the overall outcome of jealousy, mistrust, bitterness, hate, anger or even divorce.

Although it may not be necessary for all to subscribe to this type of relationship, we should be moving to a more liberal and accepting society and, more specifically, a society that accepts social happiness as a true end, regardless of the unorthodox means that we use to get there.

How would you feel in a community where everyone was open about the love and compassion for others? If only monogamy wasn’t so ingrained in this society, we might have a more peaceful, mutually serving outlook today.

In Goldman’s words: “All lovers do well to leave the doors of their love wide open.”

Write Danny at dannyzaidi@gmail.com.