Tasser: Puppy Bowl rivals Super Bowl for entertainment value

Sunday marked two of the biggest sporting events of the year.

Super Bowl XLVII saw the Baltimore Ravens defeat the San Francisco 49ers, 34-31, in an exciting exhibition of offensive mastery, shoddy electrical work and mediocre commercials. But not to be overshadowed by the Harbaugh brothers’ coaching showdown (or a long-winded truck commercial about farmers) was “The Biggest Game on All Fours,” Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl IX.

I compare arguably the largest spectacle of American culture against the largest spectacle of … cute animals blissfully playing with each other.

Venue: Mercedes-Benz Superdome versus Geico Puppy Bowl Stadium

The historic Superdome is no stranger to enormous events, having housed seven Super Bowls, countless big-name concerts and thousands of afflicted New Orleans residents during Hurricane Katrina. The Geico Puppy Bowl Stadium, on the other hand, doesn’t even have real stands.

But what it does have is a cool-down pup tub and in-ground water bowl, neither of which are featured at the Superdome. But the kicker, of course, is the lights. There wasn’t a 34-minute blackout during the Puppy Bowl, now was there?

Winner: Geico Puppy Bowl Stadium

Participants: Players versus puppies

Obviously, all NFL players are finely tuned athletic machines (well, except for Casey Hampton), and from start to finish the Super Bowl was full of big plays and momentum swings. The 49ers proved that with Colin Kaepernick at quarterback, they will remain an offensive powerhouse for years, and Joe Flacco showed the Ravens that he is worth the big bucks by helping Ray Lewis go out on top.

But man, did you see some of those puppies?

My favorite was Aurora, a husky-lab mix. In my opinion, Sally the basset hound’s 30-yard touchdown run was just as impressive as Jacoby Jones’ 108-yard kick-return touchdown. Seriously, have you ever seen a dog move that fast?

Throw in the hedgehog cheerleaders, Meep the bird and the hamsters in the sky, and it was almost too much.

Winner: Puppies

Halftime: Beyonce versus the Bissell Kitten Halftime Show

While the kittens weren’t afraid to mix it up with an assortment of catnip-infused string and bell toys, I don’t know how they possibly could have topped scantily clad former Destiny’s Child member Beyonce’s performance.

Especially when at one point, counting holograms, there were like seven of her on the stage. This one was an overwhelming choice.

Winner: Beyonce

Officiating: NFL referees versus Dan Schachner

I thought that the Super Bowl was a horribly officiated game.

To some extent, pass interference and holding occur every play, but the no-calls on what proved to be the Ravens’ winning goal-line stand were egregious. Plus, the refs failed to control the game during one particularly vicious on-field scrum in the first half, in which Ravens defensive back Cary Williams literally shoved a referee and somehow was allowed to remain in the game. A very fitting end to a very forgettable year for NFL officiating.

Schachner, on the other hand, was on point throwing the flags for “excessive cuteness” and “ruffhousing.” Those puppies never got out of hand. Well, except when Eli the shepherd pooped on the field, but we’ll let that one slide.

Winner: Dan Schachner

Commercials: Super Bowl ads versus shameless Animal Planet plugs

While I never want to watch Korean pop artist Psy Gangnam Style-ride a pistachio with legs ever again and the GoDaddy commercial was traumatic, I was ashamed by the rampant commercialization of the once-innocent Puppy Bowl. I’m talking to you, Bissell vacuum cleaners.

I don’t care how good you are at sucking up animal hair — how dare you interrupt my animal-viewing pleasure to demonstrate how easy you are to use. I know how a vacuum works.

Winner: Super Bowl ads

MVP: Joe Flacco, Baltimore quarterback, versus Marta, beagle-schnauzer mix

Flacco capped a spectacular playoff run with a 22-for-33, 287 yard, three-touchdown passing performance in the season’s biggest game.

But Marta, an adorable 10-week-old beagle-schnauzer mix, outplayed dogs much bigger than herself. She ran circles around those pit bull pups and was awarded the Most Valuable Puppy award for her efforts.

Flacco is going to Disney World, but former shelter dog Marta is going to a new home. Awwwww.

Winner: Toss up

Well, there you have it. The Puppy Bowl wins by a score of 3-2-1.

What did you expect? I’m a dog person.

Write Donnie at dft6@pitt.edu.