Editorial: The Pitt News endorses the Monongahela River

The charming Monongahela is doing battle with five other rivers in the state to claim the title of Pennsylvania’s 2013 River of the Year.

The award, organized by the Pennsylvania Organization for Watersheds and Rivers, allows Pennsylvanians to vote for the state’s best river from six nominations. The winning river gets $10,000 for educational and advocacy programs.

At the moment, “the Mon” is losing to the Lackawanna River near Scranton and the Schuylkill River in Philadelphia.

Philadelphia and Scranton don’t deserve that money. That money belongs to us.

In fact, it is safe to say that if the Schuylkill wins, democracy is dead.

Consider the mighty Monongahela: A Native American word meaning “get me the hell out of West Virginia,” the working man’s river begins in high mountain springs south of Uniontown. Crossing into Pennsylvania, the Monongahela puts on its workin’ boots and picks up a lunch pail, traveling through the old mill towns that won America’s wars and fed America’s children.

Its cross-state rival (a term unfortunate for the tacit implication of equality between the two) is practically a muddy pond. Its only contribution to America’s might was moving coal and providing water power to early mills.

The Mon supported massive hearths and foundries that made guns for our boys in WWII. The Schuylkill supported TinkerToy factories where fancy gentlemen played with water wheels.

Why is this even a contest? The Schuylkill loses on every conceivable point.

Source: The Mon begins at the confluence of the West Fork River and the Tygart Valley River, an appropriate start for a river that ends by joining another to form the Ohio. The Schuylkill’s sources are some springs in the Appalachians — where is the same clean narrative structure?

Soccer: All trendy people like soccer. You know how many professional soccer stadiums line the Mon? One more than those that line the Schuylkill.

History: So obviously some events happened in Philadelphia that were consequential. Can’t deny that. But the Battle of the Monongahela in the French and Indian War was the first time George Washington took a leadership role in the army. So in a way, no Monongahela, no George Washington.

Pun: A simple child can turn Schuylkill into a pun. Turning Monongahela into a pun requires Shakespearean dexterity with the English language.

Best Partier: The Schuylkill is desperately conformist, flowing north to south like most rivers in the United States. Roaring out of West Virginia, the Mon knows no convention, going north just because it can — the crazy uncle of America’s rivers.

Titular Expressways: The Mon-Fayette Expressway is a pleasant drive through scenic counties in rural Pennsylvania. The Schuylkill Expressway is a 25-mile traffic jam teetering off a cliff that has the unfortunate distinction of ending in Philadelphia.

Potency: At 12,650 cubic feet per second, the Monongahela has four times the velocity of the Schuylkill. Just saying.

Destination River: As rough as Ohio is, at least it’s not a giant strip mall.

Destination City: Duh.

Pitt students need to do their part to make sure the Monongahela reigns supreme over the state’s rivers. Unlike presidential elections or homecoming court elections, in this election, every vote counts and every vote matters.

Vote for Monongahela on www.pawatersheds.org/vote! Besides, who can really pronounce Schuylkill?