Tasser: Keys to becoming a full-blown Steelers fan

In good ol’ western Pennsylvania, that special time when the leaves change colors, the summer…

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The bond between the Steelers and Pittsburgh is tight.

In good ol’ western Pennsylvania, that special time when the leaves change colors, the summer sun decides to hide and school starts is not known as “football season.” Since the Pittsburgh Steelers are the only team in all of history worth rooting for, fall is known as “Steelers season.” And since you now live alongside all the wonderful yinzers in “Steelers Country,” you better act the part, because we don’t take kindly to those funny-looking people who walk around with purple-and-black or green-and-silver birds on their shirts. So I will attempt to acclimate you foreigners to the intricacies of being a fan of the Steelers, the greatest team on Earth, in Pittsburgh, the greatest city on Earth.*

1. You must always wear your Steelers jersey, no matter where you are.

This is imperative. In June, I attended a stand-up comedy act at Improv on the Waterfront where Australian comedian Jim Jefferies called the audience “scumbags” because of the high number of Steelers jerseys in the crowd. Obviously, scumbag must mean “pretty awesome” in that crazy Australian slang. If for some reason I’m mistaken, then Jefferies is obviously jealous that he doesn’t have six Super Bowl trophies.

2. You must always have your “Terrible Towel” at the ready.

Just for a moment, imagine what would happen if you found out that Mike Wallace scored a touchdown in a 7-on-7 drill, and you didn’t have your Terrible Towel to swing violently above your head while screaming in celebration. That would be pretty disappointing, wouldn’t it? How would anybody around you know that something awesome just happened? Or worse, how would they know that you are a die-hard supporter of the greatest team on Earth — the only team that has six Super Bowl wins?

3. You must enjoy Iron City beer.

Pittsburghers know the stuff is gross, but how else could you ever display how blue collar you are if you couldn’t force down the heinous brew that the men of the steel mills and coal mines drank every day of their lives? You couldn’t — not even if you were wearing your Ben Roethlisberger jersey with a Steelers faux mining hardhat on your head while swinging your Terrible Towel in the air.

4. You must publicly acknowledge how great and widespread our fan base is.

Someone once told me, “I didn’t think that anybody even rooted for those other teams. I just thought everybody was a Steelers fan.” That’s the exact attitude we’re looking for. There are Pittsburgh Steelers-themed bars all across America. That’s how much everybody loves our team. Few people actually hate them, I’m pretty sure. Those that do, well, they’re just jealous that they aren’t blue-collar like us. And they don’t have six Super Bowl wins either.

5. You must remind everybody you see that the Pittsburgh Steelers have won six Super Bowls.

This is the most important part of your fandom. The rest of the National Football League, as well as those weirdos who don’t wear their Steelers jerseys all the time, cannot forget that the greatest team on earth, a.k.a. the Pittsburgh Steelers, have won six Super Bowl Championships. What would happen if the rest of the country forgot to pay its respects to the “City of Champions?”

Now go, young padawan, and use your newfound Yinzer knowledge to force down Iron City and wave your Terrible Towel during Steelers games all season here in Steelers Country. If you should refuse your new duties, then you are obviously jealous that your team didn’t win six Super Bowls.

*Based on a survey taken every year across western Pennsylvania.

Write to Donnie at dft6@pitt.edu.