Kaback: Cleveland and Buffalo — vacation spots for future Americans?

A lot has been going on in Florida lately. Bath salts, the elderly and politicians just can’t…A lot has been going on in Florida lately. Bath salts, the elderly and politicians just can’t seem to stay away from all the sunshine and alligators. There’s the Republican National Convention in Tampa, Dwight Howard’s speeding-out-of-town tire marks in Orlando and I think there’s still some leftover Snooki mess down in Miami.

But you see, all of that is manageable. Just wear a face mask and hate taxes and you can fit in perfectly in this little slice of paradise. There’s only one issue with this place: hurricanes. I’m not afraid to say it. When there’s a hurricane coming, who wants to live in Florida? Or in the similarly-afflicted  Carolinas, for that matter? Geez, even the Northeast has gotten hit recently.

But hurricanes aren’t the only thing that kind of sucks about this country. There are droughts in the Southwest, unbearable heat in the non-coastal South, freezing cold in the upper Midwest, and California might be earthquaking itself to island status.

The United States is filled with places that everybody wants to call paradise. Florida: Hurricanes. Virginia: Swamps. Carolinas: Vacationers. Texas: Heartburn. Hawaii: Long-distance calls. Guess what? Hurricanes don’t happen in my paradise.

Whether you want to blame it on global warming, changing weather patterns or Poseidon, the reality is that our world is going to be very different in the future. Things that might not have mattered before are going to become vitally important to our future survival.

What are these things? Well, I might not be a scientist, but I would say that to be successful in the future, an area is going to need a fresh water supply, moderate temperature and safety from Mother Earth’s rage.

Yes, you guessed it. The three cities that are going to be paradise in the next Mayan age are going to be Cleveland, Buffalo, N.Y., and Pittsburgh.

Think about it! The Great Lakes are there to provide the flock of new residents from the drought-ridden South with water. The land mass in between these cities and the ocean means no hurricanes, but a reasonable driving distance to beaches. There is a great deal of basic infrastructure from the old days of manufacturing.

Seriously, who wants to live on a beach nowadays when you could live in Buffalo? What’s going to harm you in Cleveland — a big, bad wave from Lake Erie?

I think that we can go ahead and agree that all three of these cities are going to rise in the rankings. By 2025, New York, Los Angeles and Miami will be replaced by these megacities of the Great Lakes. The only thing left to decide is which of these cities will come out on top.

In third place, beating out Detroit by a hair, is Buffalo. If it weren’t for the close proximity to Canada, this ranking might be a little higher. Let’s be real though, it’s pretty un-American to be so close to a different country. I will spare the city from further accusations, however, because of the Buffalo wing. What could be more patriotic? Chicken, oil, frying, saucing, fattening up and raising health care costs for us all proves that the people of Buffalo are red, white and blue through and through. So hold on to your Mighty Taco, future you, Buffalo might be your destination.

In second place, still waiting for a victory on the football field, is Cleveland. Maybe if it had one less YouTube video mocking it, it could have been pushed up to No. 1. Hey, at least it’s not Detroit! Cleveland will offer new residents an extensive history that traces every depressing thing that could have ever happened on a sports field or court. The Drive, The Fumble, Jose Mesa’s World Series pitching and LeBron will be part of the past as this brand new megacity attracts top talent and finally wins a championship in something. No guarantees. So hold onto your burning rivers, future you, Cleveland might be your destination.

In first place, and the new greatest city in the country, is Pittsburgh. There are universities for the young adults and health care facilities for the old adults. There’s Lawrenceville for the hipsters and Mt. Washington for the tourists. Pittsburgh has it all, and I’m not just talking about ingredients on a Primanti Bros. sandwich. This city is shooting right to the top. So hold on to your inclines, future you, Pittsburgh might just be the best destination.

Write Andrew at aak47@pitt.edu.