Maritime metal festivals sink their landed counterparts

The music festival is a staple for any genre, but one is taking the tradition to a new level:… The music festival is a staple for any genre, but one is taking the tradition to a new level: sea level.

In the upcoming months, metalheads and headbangers alike will have the opportunity to escape from the traditional festival campground to a more tropical and watery setting on heavy-metal-themed cruises. And for the most part, these cruises are filled with improvements over the long-gone dry festival setting.

“Barge to Hell,” a cruise that advertises itself as “the world’s most extreme metal cruise,” has a list of bands that play to reflect the mantra. Sepultra, Sodom, Behemoth and Municipal Waste are only a few of the 26 confirmed heavy metal bands on a bill that expects 40 in total.

The bands are each expected to play two shows during the cruise across three separate stages, each of which features its own atmosphere, from the “Spectrum” with its club-like feel to the main stage out on the pool deck.

The cruise departs on Dec. 3 from Miami and heads to Nassau, Bahamas, before returning to Florida on Dec. 7.

And if that isn’t enough metal out on the ocean, The Mayhem Fest Cruise will depart on its maiden voyage from Miami on Dec. 7 and travel to the Bahamas before returning to the mainland port on Dec. 10.

The Rockstar Energy Drink Mayhem Festival is in its fifth year of touring, but this is the first year the festival will expand into oceanic territory.

The cruise will include Mayhem Fest veterans Lamb of God, Hatebreed, Anthrax and others, each scheduled to play a 90-minute set, as well as some first-timers to the tour, such as Periphery and Gojira.

Additionally, the cruise is pushing extracurricular activities, such as an art gallery hosted by Slipknot’s drummer Clown, a poker tournament with both musicians and fans participating and two nights of DJ sets by JDevil and DJStarscream — Jonathan Davis of Korn and Sid of Slipknot, respectively.

And while the cruises themselves stand on their own merits, they also hold a host of advantages over their grounded festival counterparts.

First, no one likes being stuck as the designated driver. While your friends are knocking back consecutive rounds of Jägerbombs, you’re stuck sipping on your quickly warming Mountain Dew.

On a cruise ship, however, no one is stuck with the unpleasant duty of driving sober. Instead, everyone gets to bong beer on the pool deck while listening to death growls and guitar solos.

Second, meeting new people at a festival is complicated. You need to find a place to socialize, and that normally results in taking your newfound friend into the areas surrounding the festival for some quiet space. It’s doable, but no one really wants to leave the grounds unless they have to.

But while on a cruise, every festivalgoer has a cabin with a bed and a shower. And if everyone has a cabin, everyone has their own place to return to once the daily festivities end.

Third, grounded festivals and rain don’t mix well. Yes, everyone likes a nice rain to cool down on a hot festival day, but the venue quickly degrades into a pit of mud and urine that becomes a breeding ground for infection and disease.

On a cruise ship, everyone is already clad in their steel-string bikinis and metal-studded crotch covers. And of course, a wet deck is cleaner than muddy turf.

The only thing that holds these metal cruises back from being the best thing since the extinction of hair metal is the price.

The Mayhem Festival Cruise will set you back anywhere between $699 to $1,499, and the Barge to Hell costs between $666 to $3,333 depending on the suite. And these prices don’t include government fees or the endless streams of alcohol provided onboard.

Carnival Cruises offer similar options, although void of metal madness, for as little as $189 per person, depending on the date of the cruise and the cabin selection.

But if you think about it, these metal cruises are a great value. A typical grounded metal festival can cost a patron anywhere from $40 to a couple hundred dollars depending on the venue and the number of bands playing. And that doesn’t include the burgers and chips, the gas for the van or the cases of cheap beer and bottles of bottom-shelf alcohol.

So for the metalheads and headbangers looking to escape from the same old festival campground, head to the high seas.