Schaff: Want to make friends? Learn from Mitt — ‘Latter-day Disguise’ yourself

The Pitt News retrieved the following from its Technology Help Desk junk folder:

Are… The Pitt News retrieved the following from its Technology Help Desk junk folder:

Are you socially awkward? Do college “friends” only put up with your stiff, colorless nature because you’re rich and have a powerful dad? Do you often annoy fellow students by gleefully talking about controlling them, in such ways as firing their parents or becoming president?

If so, your once-hopeless dreams of social acceptance are now all but won. That’s because you’re about to witness the extraordinary “make-people-like-you” capabilities of the newest line of “Latter-day Disguises,” as envisioned by presumptive nominee of the Republican Party for president and cardboard-box-look-alike Mitt Romney.

Back in boarding school and at Stanford, Mitt was just as sad as you — let’s say forcibly shortening people’s hair and trying to make $10,000 bets in teenage poker games cut into his friend frontier. But that all changed for Mitt once he developed the breakthrough friend-making method he’s allowing us to share with you today.

In an immensely successful effort to convince others of his natural humor and charm, young Mitt allegedly dressed up like a police officer and pulled over drivers on the road, according to witnesses quoted in The National Memo and the Philadelphia Inquirer. “Latter-day Disguises,” brought to you by Bain Capital, offers the chance for customers to reach the level of universal, enthusiastic adulation now known only for the former Massachusetts governor by tapping into Mitt’s boyhood secret of stardom: impersonating people of authority.

Sure, it might be that young Mitt’s supposed tasteful acts of fun could be described as “strange” or “creepy,” and that impersonating police might affect people’s safety and stress levels more than their laughter. But don’t let that faze you — endangering your peers and raising their eyebrows are the first steps toward gaining their friendship.

And it’s that “demonic-to-likable” pathway that forms the gears driving our “Latter-day Disguises” products. Based on your order, you’ll receive a selection of our many state-of-the-art costumes and facemasks that instantly allow you to manipulate the hearts, hopes and fears of other college students — for your inevitable social gain, of course. Buy now, so your soon-to-be buddies will first wet their pants with terror and then wet their lips with praise. As we tell our customers daily: There’s no better way to learn how to make friends with real people than from a multimillionaire who thinks “corporations are people, my friend.”

Listed below are some of our products specialized for Pitt students who want to go to extreme lengths for social acceptance, just like Mitt Romney.

“Latter-day Disguise” yourself as:

A professor, giving As to D students and Ds to A students. Left-leaning students might support redistributing certain things, such as wealth, but most would hesitate before putting their grades through musical chairs. Playing with fellow students’ conception of personal academic achievement is sure to garner wide popularity around the classroom. (Lectern not provided.)

A classmate’s girlfriend, telling him that you’re pregnant. From budgeting to relationships to final exams, the responsibilities of college living dwarf those of high school. What better way to make a new friend than to trick him into expecting a much more serious, diaper-wearing responsibility? (Silicone breasts available for male impersonators.)

A financial aid officer, telling students they’re broke midsemester. For students, freedom from concerns over financial security must often come before psychological stability and fair test-taking. So wouldn’t it be hilarious to take the wind of financial confidence out of their sails? The beloved prankster Mitt sure would think so. (Comes with red aid-rejection stamp.)

An emergency message, announcing that a bomb threat has been received. The Spring 2012 semester saw an unfortunate uptick in the anxiety level on Pitt’s campus, after more than a hundred bomb threats pulled thousands of undergrads from classes and dorm rooms. With nerves so raw, what impersonator worth his weight in Mitt wouldn’t pluck them? (AA batteries required.)

A liberal, then a conservative, and then (insert political affiliation). As Mitt’s favorite model, this product is equipped with rapidly interconverting faces, allowing you to sell your support for universal health care one minute and decry the idea as an egregious attack on free enterprise in the next. By pandering to everyone, no one will resist you (except your previous self).

Write Matt Schaff at matthew.schaff@gmail.com.