Schaff: Learn to stop worrying and love the bomb

Other freshmen at other universities have only ho-hum, average reasons to be excited about their… Other freshmen at other universities have only ho-hum, average reasons to be excited about their first years: professors, parties, independence, etc. Pitt freshmen are different. That’s because no other freshman class has the coveted, theoretical fortune of going to a University that allows them to interact daily with bomb threats. It’s a jackpot that raises your intellectual well-being at the same time as your blood pressure.

But this privilege comes not without challenge. Making a limited exception only for finals week, Pitt’s administration decreed this past semester that it would treat every single emailed bomb threat — there were more than 100 — as a serious emergency, no matter the lack of hard evidence or the amount of the ensuing disruption. Thus, in order to make the most out of the unique educational experience, students had to learn how to optimally adapt to “email terrorists” who were now capable of bringing their University to a standstill before stopping the threats at the end of April.

In the event that Pitt continues its negotiate-its-academic-values-with-terrorists policies (i.e. campus screenings, text notifications and evacuations in response to all threats), the incoming class may need to similarly figure out its best moves, especially without any reason to believe the probability of another bomb threat quagmire has somehow subsided — anyone can still send anonymous emails, and Pitt has not changed its general response policies. To prevent time wasted on reinventing wheels, here’s a boiled-down advice list reflecting the major bomb- threat adaptation strategies proven effective by clever upperclassmen:

1. Send your stuff home if it can’t all fit in a satchel.

What a no-brainer — as a resident of a freshman dorm, you can never be sure your room will be available from minute to minute. When dorm evacuations can happen at any time of day, newcomers would be foolish to stock their rooms with extraneous items that only the bomb-sniffing dogs would have guaranteed time to use while they search the rooms (unless you bring chew toys).

2. Bring a pillow and jammies to class.

With your University liable to repeatedly evacuate you from your bed sheets at 3 a.m., a time conventionally considered nighttime, regenerative “sleep” might easily elude you. But no matter, there’s nothing like suiting up your hard-backed seat in introductory courses for quality zzz’s. It’s not like the evacuation-induced fear would allow you to get a worthwhile education, anyway.

3. Tattoo a copy of your Panther Card to your forehead.

Fitting travel time into a tight class schedule is rough enough at a university without security checkpoints. If Pitt, in the name of safety, were to stock building entrances with guards who checked bags and IDs but not pockets, hats or musical instrument cases (like last semester), students should not pass up any chance they get to speed their way through the “security” line.

4. Make friends and/to try your luck.

College students have many incentives to pursue new friendships. Traditionally, people made friends on campus to share common experiences, like midterm cram sessions and 2 a.m. bar crawls. Now you’ve got all that plus the chance that your new friend is somehow involved in the bomb threats, so you can collect — if reinstated — a $50,000 reward.

5. Trade healthy habits for some carpe diem.

When your University chooses to legitimize fears of imminent, devastating campus violence, why shouldn’t you enjoy yourself today, given that you don’t know if it’s your last? Vegetables, exercise, sleep … psha! Those are for people with long-term prospects. Instead, be smart and fill your freshman experience with ice cream and video games.

6. Amass an easily accessed off-campus weapons stockpile.

Pitt administrators have ingrained the belief that all threats to safety, regardless of little evidence or low probability, should be met with drastic, costly responses. With this principle as a guide, freshmen have a lot of work to do. That’s because now, not only must you look both ways crossing Fifth Avenue, you’ve also got to prepare for a possible zombie-vampire apocalypse.

7. Avoid the Internet.

Since anyone with an Internet connection and free time can disrupt the daily routine at Pitt, retire your browser to minimize the chance of a subpoena-carrying FBI agent knocking on your door. Surely, going “off the grid” may hinder your ability to participate in online threat-make-up classes, but there are definitely more productive student activities than appearing in front of a grand jury.

8. Turn your iPod volume up high at all times.

With a steady stream of sound waves pummeling your ear drums, no single car backfiring, siren screaming or kitten meowing could pluck your bomb threat-softened nerves. Additionally, the auditory distraction would likely spare you from the discomforting realization that Pitt’s response policies, if reinstated, may be unsustainably costly, fear-provoking and even self-defeating.

If Pitt sticks to its response policies and bomb threats again plague our campus, you might soon crave more adaptation advice. If so, write Matt at matthew.schaff@gmail.com.