Kaback: Getting to the essence of that mysterious thing we call graduation

I walked by a friend’s place the other day, and I saw people sitting on the porch. It’s… I walked by a friend’s place the other day, and I saw people sitting on the porch. It’s routine for me to wave a friendly hello and chat for a few minutes, so I readied my hand and cleared out my throat. Only as I approached, I realized that the porch was not populated by my friends. I didn’t know these people. I was stumped about what could have possibly changed until I realized that something tragic had happened again: graduation.

What happens when we graduate? There are few questions that I ponder more than what lies beyond the end. And now that I am likely less than a year away from my downfall, it is all that I can think about.

This year ended a little differently than most — there was a lot more evacuating and a lot less on-campus living — but there was still no stopping the inevitable. As I packed away my things and got ready for an upcoming move, another class of my brethren moved into the world beyond.

Their families assembled. Friends reminisced on the happy times. They were dressed in overpriced garments that really served no practical purpose. Today, I just wish that they were still around.

We never really know when graduation will hit us. Sure, there is an average expectancy, and we can plan out our ends as much as we want, but nobody is ever truly sure how it will all work out. What we do know is that it will hit and it will hit hard.

I am one of those people that really doesn’t like to live with the unknown. I look up where my birthday presents came from on the internet and I read the last page first when I begin books. So, what do I do for the biggest unknown of all?

Luckily for me, I have become quite gifted at creating my own theories to explain things. I don’t care what science says, I would rather theorize that peanut butter sticks to the top of my mouth because of “reverse gravity,” and that the Pitt basketball team lost a number of times this year because I didn’t make my bed enough. Thus, I have tried to discover what could possibly happen in the world beyond graduation.

1) There is not one path, but two paths that people seem to speak about when directly confronted by annoying people questioning their future plans: employment and grad school. I’m skeptical of both. Employment requires an acceptable GPA, membership in organizations and a fancy suit. I’ve yet to meet anyone who has successfully accomplished all three of these.

Grad school is supposed to be an extension of an undergraduate education, only sadder. It kind of sounds like lying around in pajamas and getting excited over trivia nights at the bar — only now you’re into your mid-twenties. As much as I love taking tests and writing papers, I don’t know if I believe that people voluntarily decide to continue to go to school.

2) Hiding. This theory comes from the student loan crowd mixed with the “people who must not have actually liked me and now that they don’t live within a five-minute walk from me no longer feel the urge to be polite” crowd. After signing away on the dotted line at the end of high school, there must be a serious shock when the creditor starts asking for the payments on those loans. Somewhere between, “I agreed to what!?” and “Is that a monthly bill or a phone number?” lies the thought that going underground must be the best option.

And those people that had acceptable GPAs, were members in organizations and wore fancy suits — if they’re out there — who have found a way to pay off said loans: They are really scared of undergrads. Maybe it’s because they don’t want us to try to bum off them, but I assume it has much more to do with issues of association. You get seen with one of us and everyone starts to doubt that GPA.

3) Adulthood. This is the most likely of all the options. Whenever I go off campus, I find myself wondering: where did all of these grown-ups come from? I still don’t know how it happens, but somehow, it does. There might be a factory somewhere that takes in graduates and turns out responsible adults or there could be a class that people take. Whatever it is, I’m afraid to say that my friends may be there already and I may be heading there too.

South Oakland has treated me to the life that I know and love. Unfortunately, it still has me asking questions. It still makes me wonder about what happens when that cap gets thrown into the air. It’s been another year, and another class has left us. Now, will somebody please tell me where they all went?

Email Andrew at aak47@pitt.edu.