Hickey: Coping with romantic jealousy

In fiction, romantic jealousy is a perfectly healthy and normal part of a relationship. When you… In fiction, romantic jealousy is a perfectly healthy and normal part of a relationship. When you see one character acting jealously about another character’s relationships, you’re expected to realize they’re in love. In “Harry Potter,” for example, the first real sign that Ron was interested in Hermione was his immature dislike for Viktor Krum once he became her beau.

But in real life, jealousy isn’t cute. If your best female friend vehemently and mysteriously loathes every woman you go out with, it’s not a sign that you need to stop chasing after the wrong ones and notice what’s right in front of you — it’s a sign you need to ditch that friend. And in the real world, if your boyfriend is driven mad with jealousy every time he sees you smiling and laughing with another man, you have a serious problem.

Out-of-control jealousy is one of the first warning signs of an abusive relationship. If someone thinks any of your co-ed friends is trying to “steal” you or that any positive interaction you have with someone is “flirting”; if he or she constantly suspects you of cheating; if he or she makes rules for you to follow, such as expecting you not to wear a low-cut shirt in public or spend time with friends when they aren’t around, that isn’t normal.

Most importantly, if your partner lashes out in disproportionate anger when jealous and then blames the outburst on you for doing whatever trivial thing provoked it, then it’s likely you’re in an abusive relationship, and you should get thee to the Counseling Center pronto to talk to an expert. Campus Women’s Organization also has a wealth of information on the subject.

But what do you do if you have a jealous partner who isn’t abusive, making rules for you or exploding at every turn, but just can’t shake the fear that every ex, every cute co-worker and every smiling barista is going to be the person who lures you away? Or worse — what if you’re that partner?

As it turns out, I am that partner. It ranks among my least attractive qualities, along with nail biting and bringing up politics at the dinner table. And like those, it’s not a habit I’ve kicked yet — not even close. But I have learned a few tricks to help control the damage it might cause.

The main reason for jealous behavior, predictably, is low self-esteem. Romantic jealousy is just an intense fear of having someone you love taken away from you by somebody else, which turns into distress or even rage when it feels like it’s actually happening. The less appealing you think you are as a partner, the greater the perceived threat of usurpation.

The more ingrained your sense of inferiority, the more irrational your feelings and actions become. I used to grit my teeth whenever my boyfriend and I got coffee together and a pretty barista said a single word to him beyond what was necessary to process my order — which made me look unbelievably attractive and fun to be around, let me tell you — and it wasn’t because I thought she was actually going to jump into his lap if I excused myself to the bathroom, or that he was going to dump me on the spot to start a life with the coffee girl. Rather, I was afraid that the pretty barista would draw attention to my flaws, and that with prolonged exposure to enough pretty baristas, my boyfriend would grow unsatisfied with me and realize he could do better.

For this reason, a lot of relationship experts advise people in my situation to make a list of “Reasons He’s Lucky” (substitute your own partner’s preferred gender pronoun as needed) to remind yourself of all the reasons your partner is fortunate to be with you. These can range from the serious — such as your wonderful sense of humor — to the silly or inane, such as the fact that you both like the same dumb show, or you make amazing pancakes. Carry the list around with you all the time, and read it when you’re feeling the pangs of insecurity. If you feel yourself starting to become immune to the list, update it or make a new one.

Similarly, you shouldn’t be afraid to ask for reassurance from your partner. Few behaviors are more reviled than fishing for compliments, but there are times when most of us just need the people we love in our lives to tell us how fabulous we are, and I think everybody would be better off if everyone were just more honest about that. If the past year has taught me anything, it’s that my boyfriend would rather spend 10 minutes telling me I’m pretty than 30 minutes trying to quell my anxiety attack because his ex-girlfriend posted on his Facebook wall.

Most important is remembering that feelings aren’t facts. Just because you feel jealous doesn’t mean there must be something for you to feel jealous of — and even more critically, just because you suspect your partner might be unfaithful, doesn’t mean he or she is. This is another problem I blame on the media: There are a lot of songs and stories about people who act on a hunch and discover their partner is cheating, but not a lot of songs about the time a pop starlet thought her boyfriend was cheating, creeped on his text messages, learned that he wasn’t cheating and was promptly and deservedly dumped for invading his privacy. Keep your cool, and always prioritize respect for your partner over your own feelings of insecurity.

Contact Tracey at tbh15@pitt.edu