Bateman: One bro’s foolproof solution to finals week stress

[Beloved columnist Oliver Bateman is on permanent vacation, so this last Moustache Column will… [Beloved columnist Oliver Bateman is on permanent vacation, so this last Moustache Column will be guest written by a (completely fictional) bro who is preparing to, in his own words, “run a train” on finals.]

Sup, my dawgs? It’s finals week, not that you’d know it with all these bomb threats going off and whatnot. I’m hella glad I found out about those things, because I’ve been living off campus down in the “Dirty South” for the past three years, and I haven’t had to evacuate my building at all — well, except for that time when the smell from the milk jug that I’ve been using as a bathroom became too much to take, and I didn’t have any more Febreze to spray on it.

Anyway, these bomb threats are my ticket back into the good graces of all these profs who keep busting my stones with exams I can’t make it to and attendance points I’m never getting. I wasn’t even getting the emergency alerts at first because every time I get a little too into drinking the malt liquor and 151, I wind up busting my celly on the cement and then switching plans and numbers so I can receive a swagalicious upgrade. But when I logged on to my.pitt.edu to finally pay all my library fines and tuition bills and sh*t, I entered my new number, and … bang, I wound up with a truly awesome excuse for my dozens of absences:

“A bomb threat has been received for the Cathedral of Learning, Posvar Hall and Lothrop Hall. Please evacuate these buildings. If safe to do so, tell others of this message.”

As soon as I saw that, I said, “Hey, my classes might be in those buildings.” I fired up my webmail for the first time in months. The quota was at 99 percent (guess I wasn’t “keeping it lean,” LOL), and my inbox contained a bunch of messages from TAs and other people who were trying to find me. I cc’d all of them on the following email:

“hey boys I’m writin 2 u 2 say that Ive had a lot of those colds and flus and now there’s the bombs and it just dont look like Im gonna make it 2 class again. sry khtx. could u email me my finals? ok, peace.”

After that, I logged into thisbrosmomanddad@yahoo.com, the secret email I reserve for special occasions. If those nosy-ass TAs weren’t convinced by my last email, I intended to seal the deal with this one:

“hey boys I’m writin 2 u 2 say that my son is in ur classes and hes been havin a lot of colds and flus plus our cancer and now theres the bombs and it just dont look like he is gonna make it 2 class again. sry kthx. could u email him his finals? ok, peace. sincerely, my parents.”

With those formalities out of the way, my attendance grades were bound to bounce back up to 100 percent. Now I just needed to learn about the classes I was taking. I went back on my.pitt.edu and wrote down my class schedule: Composition, Intro to Psychology, Advanced Volleyball, U.S. History to 1877 and Great Comic Books of the 20th Century. Typical brutal sixth-year senior stuff, know what I’m saying?

Although I didn’t own the books for these classes or have any of the notes, I’ve been a regular reader of the Moustache Column that used to be in the newspaper. Thanks to the killer advice I’ve gleaned from it, I knew exactly how to prepare for my finals. I used a 10-step approach.

1. I bought 10 $5 pizza pies from one of those places on Atwood.

2. I popped my Super Director’s Cut Box Set of “Laguna Beach” into the DVD player on my laptop.

3. I ate as much of the pizza as I could, stopping only when my belly began to ache and my sweats started feeling extra tight.

4. I went online to vote for the Madden 2013 cover model. I cast my ballot for Rob “Gronk” Gronkowski, natch — he’s got a sweet body, and he’s hella baller and fly and everything.

5. I started day-drinking around 9 p.m. (I can’t believe I was up so early LOL LMFAO ROFL) and then passed out shortly after midnight.

6. 72 hours later, I woke up with a splitting headache. I reached for some brewskis and a few slices of pizza. I had to wipe some ants off the pie, but whatevs. Hair of the dog, know what I’m saying? It’s even funnier because there was dog hair on the pizza!

7. Even though I wasn’t sure what day they were taking place, I knew my exams were coming up. This meant I had to hit the books, which was hella hard because there wasn’t a single book that wasn’t an EA Sports manual in the entire house.

8. I did a quick review for my comic book class, writing down the names of comic books I knew. Spider-Man? Yep, that was one of them. Captain America, that’s two. Watchingmans? Hmm, I think that’s one. Looking good here.

9. I thought back to my AP U.S. History training: George Washington, World War II. All systems go.

10. Finally, I wrote a killer argument (“thesis”) sentence for my comp class: “This is a very good paper, and you will soon agree.”

So how did it turn out? Who the heck knows, since those jerk TAs never got around to sending me the exams like they were supposed to do. All I can say is that I’m hard at work on an email to the dean from my Yahoo mail account, trying to get my academic suspension overturned:

“hey dude im just writin 2 u about our son. hes been having some probs with those bombs and flus and colds and our cancer and maybe u can help him out. u feel me? thanks, my parents.”

This was Oliver Bateman’s last column for The Pitt News. He’d like to close by noting that it’s been real, it’s been fun, but it hasn’t been real fun. Contact him at oliver.lee1@gmail.com.