No real post-grad plans? Answer inquirers with oddball careers

The end is coming. Closer. Closer. Too close.

Graduation is just a few calendar squares away,… The end is coming. Closer. Closer. Too close.

Graduation is just a few calendar squares away, and many of us have no idea how to ask ourselves what we’re doing next, let alone answer the constant stream of “and what are your plans?”

That question is always from the intimidating, curious eyes of someone looking to use the lengthy pause of our responses to talk about that exciting new job they just landed. 401K, what? Health insurance, who? The only health benefit I’m acquainted with is waking up without a hangover.

In the midst of my floundering, I remembered a gem of advice from my mom, who was almost pushed into nursing by a high school guidance counselor who ignored her aversion to blood. Because my mom had no career plans, this persistent counselor continued to force the issue.

Eventually, tired of refuting the suggestion, my mom declared that she wanted to become a diamond cutter. After my mom rattled off facts she’d learned in a TV special the night before, the counselor was silenced.

I’m not going to advocate lying as a form of avoidance or say that my mother was a mischief maker, but sometimes a funny or oddball answer is more fun than “I don’t know.”

So in order to get people off your back, I bring you a list of options — replete with information on said paths — to shut up the naggers in your life. Besides, who knows? You might end up with the consuming desire to write romance novels or deliver your body to science for a few dollars.

Clown College

Tell people you’ve been inspired to follow in your favorite clown’s footsteps. The succeeding question will request further information about this figurehead. Go ahead and make up a name. What’s the likelihood you’re talking to someone acquainted with the professional clowning community?

Then just open your mouth and start spewing.

Back in the day — around the ’70s — clown college was more difficult to break into than the Ivy League. The Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus opened a clowning school in 1968 to ensure a constant, competitive stream of classic comedy.

Today, there are numerous clown colleges, but no accreditation system — though there might be commedia dell’arte programs at accredited institutions — so as Stealers Wheel lamented, it’s all “clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right.” Clowning can be a tough biz to break into.

On the bright side, that means you can say you’re going almost anywhere, like the Ohio College of Clowning Arts or Fuddi-Duddy Institute. On the downside, it can be a tough occupation to start out in and, as the eHow.com clown college article says, you have to “determine if you have what it takes to be a clown.”

If you pee your pants and cry at the sight of clowns or if you’re just not funny (be honest with yourself), people might suspect you’re pulling their leg.

Harlequin Romance Novelist

As a new graduate, of course your first order of business is start to on that epic novel. Tell people you’re writing a romance novel for Harlequin, but you can’t say much: Spoilers and revealed plot points are an author’s downfall.

Harlequin’s requirements for romance novels are particularly and comically strict: primarily heterosexual love affairs, almost always from the heroine’s perspective (except where specified in the subgenres). And it gets stricter from there.

The subgenres are myriad and oddly specific.

There’s the “Heartwarming” series, which should be warm and fuzzy enough for grandmas and moms to share with their children. It really says that in the description. To make this a little less creepy, the publisher emphasizes a “low level of sexual tension; characters should not make love unless they are married.”

Another is the “Desire” series, requiring a well-off and externally harsh hero. “Beneath his alpha exterior, he displays some vulnerability, and he is capable of being saved. It’s up to the heroine to get him there. The Texan hero should own the ranch, not work on it, and the urban hero should be someone in charge, not a handyman.” Essentially it perpetuates the misguided “he’ll change” notion.

Historical, medical — explore the website and pick a genre to tell people you’re writing in. Just tell them it’s relevant to your major — the bookseller probably has a subgenre your interests will work for.

But if you’re the love-hating cynic among your friends or barely literate, people might guess this is fiction.

Selling Your Body

You’ve spent your weekends — and probably weekdays — drinking and eating pizza, so don’t pretend your body is suddenly a “sacred temple.” Prostitution might be illegal, but you can sure as heck legally sell that mess of yours to science.

Drug companies are looking for participants for clinical trials to test drug safety. Say you’re integral in researching how to bring the next Viagra onto the market or the new miracle drug that will help people quit smoking. Some people just want a piece of you — skin cells, eggs, sperm, plasma, etc. Tell people you plan on making a pretty penny on the vessel you’ve spent the last four years abusing.

If you feel squeamish about saying that you’re whoring out your body, tell them you’ll whore out your mind. Universities and research centers often have psychological and mental testing, such as researching literacy, or, say, the Milgram experiment (no one said it was all painless reading).

You can tell them that even though you have a degree, this body of yours is practically made of money — why not cash in? In fact, here at Pitt, you could have been doing it all along through the clinical research center: www.clinicalresearch.pitt.edu. But if you vomit at the sight of blood, can’t look at needles, or have sensitive phobias, this might come off as a disingenuous career choice.

Obligatory warning: Clinical trials are important, but they can have negative physical and mental health consequences — always do your own research, ask questions and read the fine print before getting involved in a study.

So next time someone asks, “What do you want to do with your life?” don’t be afraid to whip out an odd career and give them a deadpan answer. Snap, some of these might really appeal to you — after all, these are real ways people make money. Just be sure to know the pros and cons before diving in.