April Fools: Pitt compensates for lost funding with erudite schemes

Recent cuts to Pitt’s state appropriations have caused a great deal of consternation across… Recent cuts to Pitt’s state appropriations have caused a great deal of consternation across campus. Departments are finding themselves pinched, and students face the daunting prospect of steep tuition hikes.

Some, however, are not willing to give up so easily.

In a press conference yesterday, Chancellor Mark Nordenberg said, “Our community has always been committed to excellence in innovation. By utilizing that talent, we hope to find creative ways to compensate for the cuts through better fundraising and continue to serve Western Pennsylvania with the same excellence it has come to expect.” Various departments around the University are answering the call.

“Of course we are concerned about funding cuts,” said Antoine-Laurent Lavoisier, the Robespierre Distinguished Professor of Chemistry, “after all, we’ve already had to suspend construction on Chevron. However, we know that these delicious baked goods, made with real vanilla, scientific exactitude and, uh, special ingredients will keep people coming back for more.”

The proceeds will be used to finish construction, buy another 500 MHz NMR, a SQUID, a SERS-capable instrument and an OPOSSUM in the near future.

“And only one of those instruments don’t actually exist,” added Lavoisier. The bake sale, Cookies for Chevron, runs through next week. The department is also holding a “Happy Hour for HPLC” event with custom-made cocktails.

The department that knows the most about money is also expected to contribute a considerable sum through a new investment plan. The economics department has established a financial fund that makes it possible to purchase a “Building the Future Mutual Fund.” The finances garnered in this manner are used to conduct international arbitrage between European and American mail coupons. A handsome and stable return is absolutely guaranteed.

“Of course, we’ve had some complaints that mail coupons don’t exist anymore, and that for our scheme to work, there would have to be more coupons in circulation than have ever existed anywhere on earth. However, you have my absolute assurance that as long as people keep buying into the scheme, uh, investment, we will be able to pay people their guaranteed returns if they choose to withdraw some of the enormous sum of money that we assure them is in their account,” says South Seas professor Charles Ponzi, “but this is based on a formula so secret, if one word of this gets to the SEC, everybody will copy it. So, let’s keep it hush-hush.” (Disclosure: this writer absolutely denies recently obtaining a wad of crisp $100 bills from Ponzi.)

The English department is leading perhaps the most ambitious effort of them all. “We want to prove that we are just as relevant and just as able to secure money from outside sources as the next department” said Gregor MacGregor, Poyais Endowed Chair for Fiction. The department’s new letter writing campaign begins shortly. The Pitt News received an exclusive glimpse at a draft document:

Personal and Most Confidential

My dear colleague,

Owing to the recent spate of attacks on the part of the militant group Boko Haram, I have been unable to access my bank accounts in northern Nigeria. However, I am currently negotiating access to the accounts in return for 250,000 naira (approx. $1,500). I am unable to come up with that kind of money, and could use your help. If you remit $1,500, I am willing to repay you tenfold after I access my accounts.

Please reply promptly, and I await the opportunity to do business with you.

Olusegun Obasanjo

Abuja, Nigeria

MacGregor explains that “we are working on some further drafts of very literary and convincing letters that will create a truly human character behind the letter writer, the archetypal anti-hero with a chest of gold that the reader will identify with. We will also be able to avoid the common foibles that beset letter writing campaigns such as this one, like the use of poor grammar in letters supposedly from educated people in countries where English is a lingua franca. We can even include pertinent quotes from authors most high school students avoid reading, like Wole Soyinka and Chinua Achebe.”

“That’ll teach them to do their English homework,” MacGregor added.

The entrepreneurial spirit is on display for all to see at the University of Pittsburgh, and, with luck, not only will the University be able to compensate for the funding cut, but will also further its educational mission.