April Fools: The low down on what’s going down on Pitt’s campus

Newest budget cuts

Chancellor Mark Nordenberg has announced that, in order to save money for… Newest budget cuts

Chancellor Mark Nordenberg has announced that, in order to save money for Pitt, his throne of money will now be made out of singles instead of $20 bills.

“These are hard decisions we have to make,” he said. “Washington’s face isn’t nearly as comfy,”

Free skydiving

Pitt will offer free skydiving lessons on the Cathedral Lawn at 1 p.m, today for the first 50 students who arrive. Students are encouraged to avoid landing on Heinz Chapel.

There will also be free T-shirts and food.

Transportation solution

To help alleviate students’ transportation problems, Pitt will offer zipline service from upper campus to the Cathedral of Learning starting next week.

Students will pick up the zipline at the top floor of Panther Hall and exit at the Honors College in the Cathedral of Learning.

“You have to hold on real tight, and that falcon is a bit territorial,” sophomore Talib Karzyck said. “But it still beats the bus.”

ENS alert

Pitt has issued a general Emergency Notification Service Alert for campus. Chancellor Mark Nordenberg has an itch on his back that he cannot quite reach.

Anyone who has a backscratcher, ruler or long, unsharpened pencil should come to room 120 of the Cathedral of Learning to help him out.

CBI Riot

A group of mildly excited students left Forbes Avenue slightly askew following Pitt’s win in the College Basketball Invitational.

“We’re mildly excited! We’re mildly excited!” the group chanted, after leaving a bus stop in ruins by waving down a bus to stop, and then not getting on.

Pitt police said all parties were advised.

Therapy dog fired

After a string of students cited that a therapy dog was actually making them sad, Scooter was fired from his services as a therapy dog.

“But Scooter is such a good boy,” said Lynda Scharpoun, Scooter’s owner, who comes to the Therapy Dogs at Pitt sessions each Tuesday night in the Cathedral of Learning.