April Fool’s: Hoop strolling more promising than basketball

With spring sprung, ladies in lavender and gentlemen taking up their fair-weather follies,… With spring sprung, ladies in lavender and gentlemen taking up their fair-weather follies, something interesting has befallen the Western University of Pennsylvania. A new competitive amusement has recently emerged that’s causing bruised knees, splinters and even some eye gouging.

Hoop rolling has long been popular with children but now it is moving to the college green, where a competitive version — known as hoop strolling — is played with birchwood hoops and dueling swords by college boys clad in knickers.

“It beats cholera,” said hoop strolling club president Theodore Bundy.

The injuries are just as severe though, with every man attempting to keep his hoop rolling while at the same time disabling the players of the opposite team. Its estimated that 50 percent of players will incur major injuries during a match, making the game slightly safer than bear wrestling and approximately six times safer than our current version of “foot” ball.

Bundy, a eugenics major, heard about the 20-on-20 game of skill from a professor of anti-Masonic studies while discussing the long present issue of potholes along Centre Avenue.

“You could play hoop strolling in one of those big ones there,” said Dr. Cornelius T. Featherbottom, prompting Bundy to inquire further.

“The game was created on the battlefields of the Civil War where hoops were plentiful, but sticks were in short supply — especially for those of us who had our sticks blockaded by the Yankee invaders,” Featherbottom said.

“An original version used loaded revolvers,” Featherbottom continued, “but we kept killing the refs so we switched to short swords. Boy, do I miss those revolvers.” The safety of short swords made them an attractive alternative which quickly attracted followers from all ranks.

The sport has grown since its introduction, attracting fans from all over the Allegheny mountains.

“I love it,” said WUP alchemy major James Naysmith. “Do you really think people will be playing ‘basketball’ in a hundred years? One ball, 10 players and far too many rules, I say!”

Conflicts have arisen over the presence of two nuisances .

“The splinters from the wooden hoops are really starting to affect play,” said WUP student James Tremain. Splinters are, of course, almost always fatal. Several town criers have added splinters to their list of things to decry.

The presence of women has also caused concern.

“We don’t allow women to play,” noted referee Thomas “Doesn’t Wear His Glasses” McGee. “What do you think this is? Wyoming?”

Female players have started playing their own version, using a slightly more square hoop and Scottish claymores instead of the smaller sabres.

“The whole thing is an argument for feminism,” said disgruntled player Shirley Jones, “But I figured we could make it more fun.”

Despite what McGee referred to as “an incursion into masculine games of fancy,” the event has grown exponentially, with almost 10 people interested.

Leading teams include the Schenley Scoundrels, the Carnegie Carnage and the Thaw Frozen Ice Blocks. The William Pitt Procrastinators have yet to make a game this season.

“We’ll show up when the competition does,” said Procrastinators captain John “Lasty” Finn.

While unregulated by the University, the sport has forced the maintenance men to remove the public knife sharpeners and order new ones in order to make the game safer.

“We have a dedication to these young gentlemen,” said University President Adam West. “The sharpeners will be replaced with better ones as soon as they arrive from the Ohio Valley.”

Though it’s a new sport, Bundy is excited for the prospects.

“We’re not too far off from the 20th century,” he noted. “And I think we’ll see that sports for this University will only gain a higher quality of fuel as time goes on.”