Top 10: Things Pitt should be matching

Chancellor Patrick Gallagher announced at a Board of Trustees meeting last week that starting this fall, Pitt would match any federal Pell Grant awarded to undergraduate students. That’s all well and good, but not every student has a Pell Grant, Patty G. Here are an additional 10 things that Pitt should match and reimburse to improve the student community as a whole.

10. My socks

There is an international conspiracy of powerful individuals trying to rob us of our possessions — washing machine manufacturers. All of them have built a sock-eating device into each washing machine so hapless users routinely lose their socks. Pitt is complicit in this conspiracy by running laundry rooms, and the school must match what I’ve spent to replace my socks lost in the void.

9. Leftover print quota

It is a scientifically proven fact that you could print the PowerPoint slides for all of your classes in a semester twice over and still not use up your print quota. This print quota was rigged from the start to be too much and we’re paying for it — or just printing hundreds of pages of garbage on the last day of the term. This practice needs to stop, and Pitt can end it if it reimburses us for our leftover print quota.

8. Extra dining dollars and swipes

Forgetting to purchase a meal plan my sophomore year was the best mistake I ever made. Every term I had a meal plan, I found myself with at least $150 left in dining dollars and a handful of swipes. Why do I have to use that up by donating a swipe to an ungrateful senior asking some first-year for swipes? Solicitation is a crime and this university needs to make it right to everyone with leftover swipes.

7. Tuition

More than 5,000 students currently benefit from a Pell Grant, but there are more than 19,000 undergraduate students. Each of those 19,000 people has to pay tuition — except you, Patty G. All businesses benefit from breaking even and investing in their own business, and the best way Pitt can reach an even bottom line is reimbursing all tuition.

6. Theft upcharge

A small portion of your tuition goes toward losses incurred through theft of University property. Notable examples include the taking of silverware or plates from Market Central to furnish countless South Oakland homes. But what if I didn’t take anything from Market Central? I mean, I routinely returned the napkin dispenser I took so it would get refilled by Sodexo staff. I didn’t keep it permanently, so I really deserve a refund for the portion my tuition that goes toward covering these “losses.”

5. The time wasted waiting for the 10A

The first and only time I was invited overnight to a Panther Hall dorm, I raced the 10A on foot from Cathy. And I won. Now imagine how much more time I would’ve wasted before disappointing my partner had I actually waited to ride the 10A.

4. Credits

Everyone and their mother knows the whole “well-rounded” argument for having excessive credit requirements is just a scam for charging us more money. If I’m going to waste my parents’ hard-earned cash, I’m spending it on credits that are actually relevant to my dead-end career. But before I’m allowed to do that, Pitt needs to match each credit I take. How else can the school claim to support its students?

3. Alcohol

When I stumbled into Mellinger Beer Distributor, I paid $11.99 plus tax for the “Cider? I barely know her” cider variety 6-pack. Alcohol is easily my largest expense as a student here and if Pitt wants their students to maintain healthy social lives, matching that $11.99 plus tax would be a great place to start.

2. The Kraft Macaroni & Cheese I’ve eaten as a student

I want Chancellor Gallagher to livestream himself eating 392 servings of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese and 1,568 Lactaid pills in a single sitting. If not Gallagher, I demand Dean of Students Kenyon Bonner. We’re finally getting even.

1. My tears

Waking up at 7 a.m., getting through your classes and struggling to find time in 24 hours to complete all your responsibilities can really burn you out. College is hard and it’s OK to cry about it. It’d be nice if this University could acknowledge that once in awhile and cry with us to get in touch with our collective feelings.