How to Hillman: A Study Guide

If you’ve ever studied at the Hillman Library, you know just how it got the nickname “Club Hillman.” 

Despite the library’s constant crowd of students, I still continue to meet students who proudly proclaim they’ve “never been to Hillman.” Well, kiddos, when you finally realize you’re missing out on something, here are some rules and tips to help make your first trip there as successful as possible.

1.Getting there

First step to successfully studying at Club Hillman is to actually bring your work. Despite some students’ beliefs, it is not a bar, and 5 p.m. is not happy hour. It is cry-internally-because-you-are-just-realizing-how-much-work-you-actually-have-to-do-tonight-so-you-better-get-your-butt-moving hour. So, pack up your books, notebooks and your computer.

Forethought: it would be a very painful realization to walk all the way to the library to learn you forgot your computer charger. Chances are, someone has one you can borrow. Unless you do not own a Mac, or you’re making a solo trip. Then, for your own good, have forethought.

2.Snackage

It would be a poor decision to pack a snack for your trip. Journeys to the ground floor Cup & Chaucer Café provide a multitude of opportunities for procrastination, for socialization and for wasting dining dollars on grossly overpriced snacks and beverages. 

Walking down to the café is really a social test. If asked, “Want anything from downstairs?” the expected response is “Sure. Actually, I’ll just come with you,” because, 11 times out of 10, the asker really does not actually want to pay for their snack and yours, too.

 So, “want anything from downstairs” translates to “I’m bored, don’t want to do my work anymore and want you to stop doing your work, too.” My number one recommendation from the café would be a Rockstar — particularly the sugar free originals in the white cans.

3.Vampire tendencies

A Rockstar is the No. 1 most effective drink for keeping you up all night. It is an unwritten rule that you are, in fact, not permitted to leave Club Hillman until all of your work is finished. It is the repulsive cough syrup-tasting “beverage” that will make you gag and potentially even dry heave the first time it touches your lips, but eventually, after drinking it day in and day out, you will be able to down it like water ­— yum. In this particular instance, you may want to come prepared, because, sometimes, on café adventures, the girl standing directly ahead of you in line will dare to take the last white Rockstar.

Since you are not allowed to leave, sometimes you must take naps at the library. It might be a good idea to pack a toothbrush and toothpaste in your backpack to take care of that weird film that develops over your teeth. If you’re just starting out in your Club Hillman escapades, it is not time to worry yet, for only the most intense, hardcore Club Hillman goers who spend 14 plus hours there tend to run into this problem.

4.The Hillman curse

With all of this rule-following going on, sometimes it can be hard to actually study. So you might try to study on a less populated floor of Club Hillman than the always-bumping first level. The fourth floor does hold promise for studying, yet you find yourself in silent competition with the other hardcore library goers. You can’t be the first to leave. This forces you to study longer. However, if you’ve had it with studying, just Tumble until 8 a.m.

Tumble (v): The act of reblogging everything on your dashboard on a website designed as a creative outlet for the self-expression of the misunderstood.

Or you might try to study in another campus building, like Cathy. Right in the middle of campus, the really tall, gorgeous, sexy Cathedral of Learning that looks like Hogwarts on the inside with thousands of stained glass windows facing out. Or you might try the William Pitt Union. However, since it closes 12:30 a.m., security will kick you out and force you to go to Club Hillman anyway.

Overall, there are several telltale signs of a successful residency at Club Hillman. And while they might vary in detail for each individual, here are some universally recognizable indicators:

– You’re in a group chat that consists almost entirely of descriptions of your table location.

– You start to recognize other Club Hillman frequents.

– When you actually go out, complete strangers come up to you and say, “I see you at the library all the time.”

– You see your friends outside of Hillman and they genuinely inquire as to why you’re not at the library.

For the remainder of the semester, put these tips to use and make the most of your last month in Hillman. It’s the smart thing t do. 

Anna Tomani primarily writes about college and social issues for The Pitt News.

Write to Anna at aet29@pitt.edu.