Hickey: How to initiate an intervention

Today, I’m going to teach you the art of intervention.

I’m not talking about… Today, I’m going to teach you the art of intervention.

I’m not talking about “Intervention,” the A&E reality show where the friends and family of addicts confront their loved ones in the most dramatic possible fashion.

I’m talking about those situations where a friend, roommate, resident, significant other or mere acquaintance seems to be in big trouble, and you’re not qualified to give them the help they need — and don’t know how to convince them to get it. Have you ever known someone whose boyfriend or girlfriend seemed to make decisions for them, or a couple who said they were madly in love, but called each other horrible names whenever they fought?

Ever doubted a friend’s explanation about how he got those injuries, or wondered whether someone was really joking about killing himself? Have you ever been in the women’s bathroom and heard someone throwing up, and couldn’t shake the feeling that she was doing it on purpose?

Most people will find themselves in circumstances like this at some point. These situations are frightening because they put laypeople — people with no training or experience dealing with this kind of fragile situation — in positions where they feel obligated to speak up, and where their actions may have enormous impact.

Done correctly, this kind of intervention — the act of one person saying to another, “I’m worried about you, and I think you might want to seek some help” — can literally be lifesaving. And on a campus as big as Pitt’s, it’s critical for students to look out for each other’s well-being and learn to speak up when something doesn’t look right.

I’ve been on both ends of this kind of outreach on more than one occasion, and here are a few things I’ve learned.

First of all, do some research. Nobody expects you to be an expert on their problems. If you were a licensed therapist, you wouldn’t need to be reading this column, but a little bit of browsing on reputable websites goes a long way. If you think a friend could be suffering from depression, researching their condition enables you to talk to them about the symptoms they’re experiencing beyond, “You seem really sad lately.”

Likewise, a little bit of reading on the cycle of relationship abuse can mean the difference between sounding as if you just don’t like your roommate’s girlfriend, or being able to articulate: “After you have these horrible fights where she screams and threatens you, she’s always really sweet for a little while, but things go right back to the way they were after three weeks, and she does it again.”

The conversation should be private. This shouldn’t need to be said, but it’s critical.

I struggled with self-harm toward the end of my senior year of high school. Unlike most, I rarely tried to conceal my injuries, unless I was at home with my family. At school, I didn’t expect anybody to notice, and anyway, it was hot out.

Needless to say, this didn’t quite work out. More than one person realized that I appeared to have been attacked by the world’s most methodical cat, and more than one person asked me, loudly and in front of an entire classroom, what the hell I did to myself.

I lied to every one of those people, and I didn’t feel bad about it either. I rationalized that if these concerned souls had wanted an honest answer, they would have pulled me aside and asked about my injuries privately instead of singling me out in front of a group.

Contrary to the traditional “Intervention” model, I also don’t recommend recruiting other people to help you get your point across. Nobody likes to be ganged up on, and a confrontation with a dozen friends and family members, no matter how well-intentioned, can easily seem hostile, especially to someone who’s already feeling alienated.

These conversations are better conducted one-on-one, but that doesn’t mean you have to wait until the perfect moment to express your concerns. Time is of the essence in these matters and the medium — that is, whether you communicate via phone call or Facebook message or in person — is not. This isn’t like breaking up with somebody, where you lose 50 style points if you don’t do it face-to-face. What matters is getting your point across, and if you won’t be seeing someone all week, a Facebook message is an adequate way to start the conversation.

You don’t have to be fabulously articulate to do this. A simple, “Hey, I’ve been a little worried about you because X. Are you alright? I’m always around if you need to talk,” can go a long way.

But most of all, make sure you leave your emotions out of the conversation, such as any resentment you may feel toward this person for putting you in an uncomfortable position or lofty expectations that he or she will hear your wise words and seek therapy and self-improvement immediately. The worst thing you can do is make the intervention about you and the effect your friend’s suffering is having on your life — guilt trips, “I can’t watch you do this to yourself anymore”-style ultimatums and “Intervention”- style theatrics are inadvisable.

There’s no method for reaching out to a friend in trouble that guarantees success. As anyone who’s been there can tell you, most people get help on their own terms, and not a minute sooner than they’re ready. But with tact and sensitivity, you can maximize your chances of getting through to somebody who will thank you later.

Contact Tracey at tbh15@pitt.edu