Kaback: Forget deodorant — embrace ‘Pitt’ stains

I’m great at starting conversations during the weekend hangout. I’m personable, somewhat… I’m great at starting conversations during the weekend hangout. I’m personable, somewhat funny and a really interesting person. Most of my encounters usually go like this:

“Why hello, attractive female at this party. Yes, I did do that really impressive thing. Don’t worry about it, I’m often mistaken for a model. In fact, that fast and sleek convertible is my car! What? I would say I’m probably the perfect guy. I agree, we should totally become romantically involved.”

Unfortunately, the next step in the interaction always requires arm movement. Maybe I would reach for a coat on a hanger or place my arm over the shoulder of the interested female. Or worse, maybe I would open up for the hug that said person of interest is so excited to give me. See, once I move my arms in any direction, it’s over.

I didn’t ask my parents to give me my genes. I love the nose, Dad, and I’m all about the hair, Mom; but the positive acquisitions were all for naught. See, I suffer from what I call when-talking-to-people-I-want-to-talk-to-my-deodorant-always-fails-me-itis.

Now there are plenty of times that underarm sweat happens to normal human beings. Going on jogs, playing a sport and sitting in a sauna are all perfectly acceptable times to apply some extra antiperspirant, and I assume that most people don’t even think twice about it.

But then there’s me, going up to give the big presentation in class and making sure that I do the Tyrannosaurus rex the whole time. Then there’s the “No, I have to keep my sweater on because I’m just really cold” trick while I’m at the hottest party of my life. No matter how you slice it, my disease makes me downright uncomfortable.

The other night, I was observing a peer trying to flirt with what was clearly a crush of his (otherwise known as creeping). I started to notice the signs. Hands in the pockets: Check. Coat still on: Check. The double undershirt: Classic check. Insistence on not moving. Watery eyes. The look of fear. Safe physical distance. Check, check, check and CHECK!

I started thinking that maybe there are others out there who could relate to me. Maybe they don’t know that I’m out here either. Maybe we could help each other. You know, develop a code or something. Better yet, maybe we’re the normal ones.

Regardless of what fashion magazines might say, I’m beginning to believe that when-talking-to-people-I-want-to-talk-to-my-deodorant-always-fails-me-itis is not a disease. I think there’s a better way of looking at it.

I want people who suffer from this terrible ailment to understand that it’s not that terrible after all. I also want people at Pitt to realize that there’s a way to address our terrible deficiency. What is this terrible deficiency, you may ask? School spirit here at Pitt.

Essentially, we need to stop looking at underarm sweat as pit stains and start thinking about it as Pitt stains! That’s right, I’m talking about getting some serious school spirit going. I know what you’re thinking: “Gross!” Well, I’m not entirely sure that you’re wrong there.

But do you know what else is gross? Pitt school spirit lately. Blame it on the teams all you want — they do deserve some serious blame. Remember the “High-octane football coming to Heinz Field” campaign? Well, we’re still waiting on that arrival. Or the top-15 ranking of our basketball team? I guess that up and left like former player Khem Birch.

The point is that there’s more than one way to skin a cat, and there’s more than one way to cure personal and campus-wide ailments. So next time you’re at a party and the attractive significant other that you see begins to make you feel a little … anxious, throw your hands up in the air. Take all of the awkward self-photographs you want from every weird hipster angle. Give the class presentation like you’re at a rock concert. Be proud of reaching out to give everyone hugs.

You know why? Pitt stains are all about school spirit. Don’t get down; you’re just letting everyone know that you love your school.

Contact Andrew at aak47@pitt.edu.