Reagle: How to maintain a long-distance relationship

Whether it’s your first year at college and you’re losing touch with high school friends or… Whether it’s your first year at college and you’re losing touch with high school friends or it’s your last year and you’re losing touch with recently graduated friends, long-distance relationships can easily fizzle out. But you don’t have to lose contact with people completely. Unlike romantic relationships — seriously, how many movies, TV shows and real-life anecdotes do we need to teach us not to fall prey to the LDR? — friendships can withstand some distance.

When you’re in a long-distance friendship, you need to make some adjustments and put in some extra effort. The first step is to realize that you and your friend won’t have the same relationship as when you lived near one another. This doesn’t mean that you can’t still be good friends or even BFFs, but it’s impossible to maintain exactly the same dynamic. You can’t replicate it by spending all your time on the phone or on Skype, and nobody wants to do that anyway.

If you’re looking to maintain a long-distance friendship, here are some suggestions.

Make your own rules

Find what works for you and your friend. If sending a text every few days and a call every couple weeks keeps you close enough, that’s great. If you need to call every few days, do that. Just find a balance that works, and don’t let anyone else make you feel like you talk too much or too little.

When the time comes, make sure you adjust the rules as needed. If there are some weeks when you really need a friend, let the long-distance friend know. If there are busy weeks where you need some time to yourself, let him or her know that too. Be flexible.

Use different modes of communication

The number of communication channels available to us — Phones, text messages, FaceTime, Facebook, Gchat, email, Skype, etc. — can seem overwhelming, but it can also be helpful. Using different modes of communication leaves space for accommodation in your long-distance friendship. If you can’t call, send an email. If you really miss your friend’s face, get on Skype. But these alternative methods also spice up what can become an otherwise mundane LDF.

Talking on the phone all the time can be super boring — sometimes you just devolve into discussing what you ate for lunch or all the online shopping you did that day. Another problem with phone calls is actually syncing up your schedules. There are some weeks when it just doesn’t come together. So it’s nice to be able to switch it up.

Instead of calling, write letters. This is a great idea for several reasons: Everyone loves receiving letters, writing them is therapeutic, buying stationery is really fun and you’re helping support a dying art. (The tradition of handwritten letters is leaving our generation, and with it goes part of my soul.) Plus it makes for great gift-giving opportunities. Maybe my long-distance BFF is fed up with me buying her letter-related gifts for every holiday, but that won’t stop me from continuing to do so. Who doesn’t need a personalized signet ring?

If writing letters is too slow for you, try email. Emailing is a less cool but far faster form of writing. It allows you to share excellent stories instantly instead of bottling them up for the next time you get to talk on the phone. Send long emails every few days or short emails once every day. Do what feels right.

Visit as often as possible

Make sure you actually visit each other. Obvious advice, right? But actually setting aside the time to do so ends up being harder than you’d think. Pick a weekend, and commit to it. It’ll seem like a chore to ignore homework and skip work, but it’ll be worth it. It’s nice to remind each other why you’re friends in the first place, and there’s no better way to do this than to see one another face-to-face.

This is when you can catch up on the really great stories and meet your friend’s new friends who will always be infinitely inferior to you — but are probably still pretty awesome. With any luck, you’ll even get to visit a new city.

Take more photographs

This advice works in both directions. Take more pictures when you’re with the friend so you can keep some memories on hand — it’s nice to have some framed photos around to remind you that you have good friends when you’re feeling down. But you should also take more photos when you’re apart.

If you have pictures from your adventures away from each other, sharing stories is easier and way more fun. It also helps you remember what you’ve done since the last time you talked.

Try using Instagram if you have an iPhone or tweet pictures for some instant sharing. It’s a great way to feel connected even if you don’t have direct contact for a day or so.

Accept changes as they come

This is important: Relationships change. Sometimes you’ll float apart when one or both of your schedules are busy, but don’t take it personally. Don’t get mad if your friend cancels a week’s worth of phone dates and hope that he or she won’t get mad if you have to do the same. We’re busy people.

It can get really difficult to keep up a long-distance friendship, but as long as you reconnect after the busy time passes, all is well. If you keep floating apart, try to reconnect. Make the effort to keep the LDF you had before. If that doesn’t work, let it go. Don’t burn bridges. You’ll come back together when you need to.

Contact Sarah at sarahreagle@gmail.com