Ahmed: The death of the American action hero

The setting is a humid Guatemalan jungle. Sunlight accentuates the verdant undergrowth, where… The setting is a humid Guatemalan jungle. Sunlight accentuates the verdant undergrowth, where all manner of creatures slither and crawl. An imposing, virile hero stands rooted in the foreground. He proclaims with a gruff voice earned after years of war, “If it bleeds, we can kill it.”

That was 1987, and the hero was Major Alan “Dutch” Schaefer (Arnold Schwarzenegger), a hardened military man sent to the jungles to rescue a missing minister, only to have his team picked off one by one by an otherworldly super being, the “Predator.” But it can’t get Dutch himself — he uses both brain and brawn to terminate the alien.

Fast-forward. A motley crew finds itself trapped on an unknown planet. Slowly, the group realizes it’s not alone. Predators are hunting them. Only this time, the hero is a lanky, soft-spoken youngster. With fingers meant for piano keys resting on the trigger of a machine gun, he broods with a misplaced sense of accomplishment. When asked to lead, he snarls, “Look, I’m sorry. You want to play scout leader? Great. You want to follow me? Fine. But I’m not doing this … I’m better on my own.”

That was 2010, and the hero was Royce (Adrien Brody), a mercenary fighting for his life in “Predators,” the latest unfortunate film in the franchise. These two movies — set apart by 23 years and 23 inches of biceps — embody exactly what’s wrong with Hollywood: the death of the American action hero.

The 1980s and 1990s were golden years for iron-pumping movie stars. Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren and Bruce Willis, among others, were the premier representatives of the genre.

Where is this genre now?

Simply put, it’s morphed. Instead of muscular stars we have laughable, two-dimensional comic book heroes. Iron Man may be a sexy, suave and smart billionaire who moonlights as a hero, but is his computer-generated armor suit supposed to be impressive? The little missiles that shoot out of his dainty shoulders? The squeaking sound his suit makes as it rears to shoot an explosion out of his cutesy palm?

The only actor who might defy this trend is Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. But even he isn’t a good substitute. He’s too charming, and after playing a tooth fairy in a film of the same name, he can’t be taken seriously. It’s not about muscle — it’s about muscle and attitude combined. Arnold’s gap-toothed grin when he was about to blow his enemy to hell was his signature, his larger-than-life contribution to the screen. And although he starred in films that could be considered childish, “Kindergarten Cop” was no “Tooth Fairy.” Even in that movie, we still get attitude: “Oh, excuse me,” he says, “I forgot to introduce myself. My name is John Kimble … ” after which he cocks his shotgun.

Several developments might have contributed to this transformation. Perhaps it was an overeager adoption of animation technology. Perhaps it was the transformation of the ideal male physique from large and bulky to lean and swift. Or perhaps Hollywood became self-conscious, and the largeness suddenly seemed too ostentatious.

One thing we can say for sure is that Americans now expect their movie stars to act more intelligently. Yesterday’s heroes didn’t say much, except for the occasional one-liners — “Let off some steam, Bennett” — and they weren’t expected to: Their physical appearances said enough. Today, however, heroes are expected to save the day by solving a puzzle or using the best technology wisely, as in the “Bourne” series and “Mission: Impossible” series. If heroes can’t have both brain and brawn, it seems natural that they’d choose the former.

There’s also been several slumps in box office sales since 2000, which might have led filmmakers to believe they weren’t doing enough to attract moviegoers. CGI-intensive sequences and 3-D technology might have been their substitutes for the real, virile action figure. Now, if the hero doesn’t look real enough, they paste on some muscle (“Spider-Man,” anyone?). The characters even stick out of the movie screen to compensate for their lack of presence.

This is exactly why “The Expendables” did so well: Most of the original action heroes delivered to America an experience it had all but forgotten. “The Expendables 2,” coming to theaters this August, will likely deliver the same.

No one can actually punch through a car window. No one flies in the air if they’re punched hard enough. And no one can jump out of a flying aircraft and land unscathed. But the ’80s heroes’ presence excused these inaccuracies — they were able to deliver both the real and the unreal.

This year holds in store many rip-offs, remakes and rejects. If the Mayans are true and 2012 is our last year of life, don’t spend it sipping fake cola. Drink the real thing — watch the oldies, because they truly are “As Good as It Gets.”

Contact Abdul at aba24@pitt.edu.