Sex Edition: Hickey: Forget sex advice — do it how you want to

Whether it’s Cosmo or The Pitt News, it seems like I can’t pick up a publication without somebody trying to tell me how to have sex. Whether it’s Cosmo or The Pitt News, it seems like I can’t pick up a publication without somebody trying to tell me how to have sex.

You’ve probably noticed this too. People want to tell you how to do it, when to do it, why to do it and who to do it with. And that’s totally crazy.

Human sexuality is as diverse as human beings. Some people enjoy group sex, some people want to have sex only with their spouses and some people never want to have sex at all. And yet, prescriptive sex writing usually assumes — ludicrously — that a gay man in a monogamous relationship benefits from the same suggestions as a straight, single woman browsing casual encounters on Craigslist.

The goal of sex writing should not be to tell people how to do it, but to encourage them to make the best possible choices, no matter how they do it. To that end, I present my incredibly unprofessional opinion on all the prescriptive sex advice you’ll ever need.

Have safe sex.

Use condoms, not just to prevent unintended pregnancy, but to prevent STDs. Use them even if the kind of sex you have can’t result in pregnancy. Put them on sex toys if you’re sharing them with someone. Get tested for STDs between each partner, even if you always used protection — no form of safe sex is totally foolproof — and your last partner told you he or she had no infections.

If your sex life includes BDSM, have a “safe word” that calls all activity to a halt. Many people use the traffic light system, where “yellow” means “slow down” or “less of that, please” and “red” means “cease and desist everything, immediately.” If someone is wearing a ball gag, have a nonverbal safe signal such as a hand squeeze. Negotiate all activities beforehand, and stick to what you’ve negotiated — you cannot spring a whip on somebody who hasn’t agreed to being whipped, even if that person is playing your slave for the night. If restraint is involved, know how to tie safe knots, and have scissors or shears on hand to cut ropes quickly in case something goes wrong.

Prioritize safety even at the cost of seeming rude, distrustful or impolite — for example, by asking someone you don’t know very well if he or she has been tested for STDs recently. Understand that safety may require you to be more assertive than you’re really comfortable with. Understand, also, that being truly committed to safety might mean you get laid less often than you would have preferred, because it means opting out of sex with anyone who refuses to take the above safety precautions. That might be a bummer — but if it’s any consolation, I’ve never heard anyone say, “You know, I sure do regret not having sex with that guy who refused to use a condom.”

Have ethical sex.

Being sexually ethical is about honesty. It means honoring your commitments and respecting other people’s — not only abstaining from sex with others if you’re in a monogamous relationship, but abstaining from sex with anyone whose monogamous partner isn’t you. If you’re in an open relationship, being ethical means adhering to any agreements you have with your partner about how and when you can be with somebody else.

Don’t mislead a partner about your intentions. Don’t say that you love him when you don’t or that you want a long-term relationship with her when you really want a fling. Don’t fudge the facts about how many people you’ve had sex with, whether you’ve done a certain activity before or how recently — even if you’ve recently tested negative for every possible infection. If you don’t respect someone enough to be honest with them, you don’t respect them enough to have sex.

Have wanted sex.

Wanted sex means the same thing as consensual sex, but I use this word because, despite our best efforts, many people still understand “consent” as a lack of kicking and screaming. I’m telling you to only have sex that all participants really, enthusiastically want.

Wanted sex is unambiguous. It’s what happens when Person A says “Do you want to do [sex act] with me?” and Person B says “I sure do!” Sex that happens after you’ve said no and he asked again and you said no again and this went on until you consented just to shut him up is not wanted sex. Sex that happens after she guilt-trips you and says that if you really found her attractive you would do it is not wanted sex. Wanted sex is not, “Alright, fine.” Wanted sex is “Yes, please!”

And there is no excuse, under any circumstances, for any person in any universe to have sex that they or their partner are feeling less than “Yes, please!” about, because wanted sex is easy. If you’re not sure that the sex you’re about to have is wanted, you ask. And if the response is significantly different in tone and content than “Yes, please!” then you don’t do it.

Desire is central to every good sexual experience, and any sex advice that makes assumptions about what its readers desire is destined to fall flat. So do yourself a favor: The next time you read something about when, how, with whom and why you should do it — besides “when you want, how you want, with whom you want and because you want to” — make a note and turn the page.

Contact Tracey at tbh15@pitt.edu.