Sex Edition: Reagle: How to be single on Valentine’s Day

A lot of people think Valentine’s Day is the worst day of the year. A lot of people think Valentine’s Day is the worst day of the year. It’s in the middle of everyone’s least favorite month. It basically forces you to consume 10 times more chocolate than you would otherwise. And whatever genuine romantic sentiment was once associated with the holiday has since been erased by heart-shaped jewelry, red roses and the ever-hated Hallmark company.

Most of the people who maintain this position, however, are single. But Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be the worst day of the year — even if you aren’t half of a couple. I assure you that I’ve been single for the vast majority of the Valentine’s Days in my life, but there are still some things I’ll always like about the holiday. I love candy in the shape of hearts. I generally like the color pink. And I’m unrepentantly in love with the movie “Valentine’s Day.”

I’m here to propose a few things you can do to hate Valentine’s Day a little less if you’re single — or at least a few things to distract you for the day.

If you have single friends:

Gather them. Anyone who’s ever been to a high school dance knows that supposed couples’ events are more fun if you’re accompanied by friends rather than a significant other. The same holds true for Valentine’s Day. For couples, it’s a lot of pressure. For friends, it’s an excuse to ignore your work and do something fun together.

Potential activities are endless. Eat some heart-shaped candy and watch some rom coms. Go sing sad breakup songs at a karaoke bar. Dance around to “Single Ladies” or “99 Problems.” Drink some semi-ironic pink cocktails. Do whatever you please.

One thing to avoid is going out to dinner. Restaurants on Valentine’s Day are awful, horrible places. If you want to enjoy food with friends, cook at home.

If all of your friends have significant others:

This is unfortunate. You should probably skip all of your classes, stay inside all day and weep. Maybe eat some ice cream, and watch romantic movies with no trace of comedy in them. Try any movie inspired by Nicholas Sparks novels. They’re all classics.

You can also spend your time scouring missed connections on Craigslist and baking. Everyone loves a significant other who can bake well, so this will just be great practice — consider it an investment for the future.

You’ll want to avoid anything pink or heart-shaped, and going outside is just too risky. Don’t chance it. You can join the world again on Feb. 15.

If you’re recently single:

This might be a rough day. A good way to handle this is to surround yourself with friends. Another good way to handle it is to find a way to destroy something. Rip a phone book in half. Beat the hell out of a heart-shaped piñata à la Jennifer Garner in “Valentine’s Day.” Cook a meal that involves tenderizing some meat. You’ll probably feel better after breaking something.

If you’re a boy and have found all other suggestions useless:

I hear that the latest and long-awaited installment of the video game series Twisted Metal comes out today. I gather that it involves driving a car and destroying other vehicles. Go get it, and spend your day cuddling with your PlayStation 3.

If you don’t have a PlayStation 3 or money to buy a new game, then I have no suggestions. I guess you could play an old video game. I have it on good authority that the best way to spend this day is with lots and lots of video games.

If you haven’t realized it’s Valentine’s Day:

Go about your day as usual. Frankly, this is probably the best way to handle the day in general.

Comrades in singularity, I hope that you’ll find a way to survive Valentine’s Day 2012. With any luck, the predicted apocalypse will come true, and this will be our last. Spend it wisely.

For additional suggestions, email Sarah at sarahreagle@gmail.com.