Hickey: Managing romance and mental illness

A PostSecret post from 2011 said, “When you have a relationship with someone who is mentally… A PostSecret post from 2011 said, “When you have a relationship with someone who is mentally ill, you have a relationship with mental illness, not a person.” A cruder but more popular adage goes, “Don’t stick your dick in crazy.”

Considering those attitudes, it shouldn’t be surprising that although dating a person with mental illness can indeed be frustrating, actually being the “crazy” person in your relationship is no picnic either. Despite the fact that in any given year, one in four Americans suffers from a mental illness — making it statistically likely that anyone who has more than four romantic entanglements will date somebody with mental illness — people who live with mental health conditions are often assumed to be needy, irrational, self-absorbed, unreliable, demanding and generally unfit for relationships. People who live with mental illness are often made to feel that they are unlovable, that they aren’t “worth the trouble” of coping with their symptoms and that only a saint would be willing to be with them.

Despite its popularity, this assumption doesn’t make sense. People, whether they’re mentally healthy or not, are weird and difficult and frustrating, and all relationships take a hell of a lot of work. Dating someone who has depressive episodes, panic attacks or rapid cycles is challenging — but so is dating someone who’s flat broke and can rarely afford to go out on dates, someone who lives several hours away from you, someone who eats meat when you’re a vegan, whose family you don’t get along with or who is horribly allergic to your beloved pet. People 30 years older than us usually have to factor in a prospective partner’s children. So it’s ridiculous to imagine that something like a mood disorder is an insurmountable obstacle to romantic fulfillment for either partner.

Becoming convinced that you’re unlovable or impossible to deal with is a nearly surefire way to get stuck in a relationship with someone who doesn’t treat you right. Beware the partner who uses your mental illness to dismiss any concerns you might have in the relationship, insisting that you only feel like he is taking advantage of you or that she isn’t making enough time for you in her life because you’re crazy. Maybe you are crazy, but that doesn’t mean you deserve to be treated badly or that you can’t recognize when it’s happening.

Jokes aside, if you’re struggling with mental illness and your partner calls you crazy, that’s really not a good sign.

Moreover, if your partner is worth being with, you do them no favors by adopting an I-am-not-worthy attitude. Apologizing for inconveniences is natural and commendable, but if you don’t work on cultivating the impression that you’re lovable despite your challenges, you’re susceptible to what my boyfriend calls the “meta-freakout,” e.g., “You had a panic attack and that was a bummer, but it was more of a bummer when you spent 45 minutes apologizing for the panic attack and crying over how much easier my life would be without you.” It’s not easy, but the best thing you can do for yourself and your partner is ditch the idea that living with mental illness is something you did wrong.  It’s fine to apologize — once – if your depression interferes with plans to go out, but don’t apologize for living with depression.

For many people, deciding when and how to tell someone you’re dating about your mental illness is almost as difficult as confronting the challenges that arise later.

I told my last two boyfriends on the first date that I took antidepressants — but if disclosure was a problem for me, I wouldn’t write this column, so I know my comfort level is far from average. Despite that, I still recommend that most people disclose their struggles as early as possible. At the very least, discuss any issues likely to arise well before they actually come up. For example, if there will be complications with sex — if you have an eating disorder or body image problem that will make taking your clothes off traumatic, if you’ve been a victim of sexual abuse in the past or if you’re on psychiatric medication with sexual side effects — it’s best to mention it before things get hot and heavy. If you have social anxiety, let your partner know before he expects you to meet his friends.

When you get serious with someone, you’ll want to let him or her know how your illness manifests itself in your life, and what that person can expect when it does. Explaining what a depressive episode looks like for you — before your partner witnesses one — will make the event less stressful for both of you when the next one hits. Although the subject is stressful, stay as matter-of-fact as possible and keep the focus on practical concerns, like how your mental health issues will affect your relationship and how best to handle them together. Any decent person will be able to recognize that you’re not “a mental illness,” but a person with challenges like any other.

Contact Tracey at TBH15@pitt.edu