Kozlowski: Why we really make New Year’s resolutions

The new year is a time for reflection and rebirth: We reflect on how much we ate over the… The new year is a time for reflection and rebirth: We reflect on how much we ate over the holidays, and our guilt for doing so is reborn.

The new year also inspires all kinds of resolutions: to exercise more, exercise more discretion, lose weight, stop smoking and so forth. This pursuit of self-improvement and perfection is admirable, but perhaps, as our imperfect founding father Ben Franklin suggested, futile. In his autobiography, Franklin likened the process of perfecting oneself to polishing an axe, grinding slowly and laboriously to remove each last speck of rust. In a classic illustration of the law of diminishing, marginal return, however, it gets progressively more difficult to remove every last bit. After attempting this process of moral self-perfection, Franklin, like many of us after a few months of trying to keep our resolutions, decided he liked a speckled axe best.

Let’s face it: New Year’s resolutions are often dead by April. Some of us even forget what it was that we pledged to do as we watch the Rose Bowl while eating our way through the third bag of Doritos. Thus, we have to ask ourselves: What’s the real point of making these resolutions? Once we’ve discovered the answer, we can formulate resolutions in the most appropriate manner.

First off, it should be pretty clear that, for the majority of us, New Year’s resolutions are not really about self-improvement. That’s not to say some people don’t take them seriously and accomplish them. That’s also not to demean self-improvement. However, many people merely attempt to create the illusion of self-improvement by setting goals at a socially acceptable time of year. If most New Year’s resolutions were really serious, we would either pay more attention to them or not wait until the new year rolled around to achieve them. Serious resolutions would occur on April 28 or February 5 or October 25  — dates with no significance other than their status as the day we made up our minds about something.

The reason many of us make New Year’s resolutions is that they make us feel resolute and like we are accomplishing something without having to do any work. And if we care to share our resolutions, they might make us more appealing to the opposite gender. Nobody could resist a giddy reaction such as “Oh, wow! I’d never be able to climb Aconcagua! You are so brave and strong and manly!” when in reality, we don’t know a mountain from a molehill. Because everybody makes New Year’s resolutions and most people renege on them, we don’t have to feel so bad about not keeping them. Everybody loves telling little white lies now and then, and it’s much more acceptable to say “I’m going to start running” and not do it than to say “boss, I’ll have that report by Tuesday” and not follow through.

So with those ends and means in mind, how should resolutions be made? The key is to pick good deeds that would be nice to accomplish, are challenging and have as long or as indistinct a deadline as possible. The objectives should be vague and difficult to measure, such as a resolution to be more studious and organized. The resolutions should have wide appeal, and, considering you wish to appear as a selfless and sensitive individual, they should not pander to crass, prurient or Washington special interests. Making a list is a good thing, as all important things have paperwork associated with them. If you want to feel especially important, go ahead and use some nice stationery and a fountain pen. Of course, in a few short months you will lose the list because of poor organization, which means you can create the appearance of a paper trail without actually leaving one. Even better, if you do find the list around September, you can always re-use some of the key resolutions for the next new year, saving you the trouble of having to think too much. You can also avoid accusations of being a “flip-flopper” and gain respect for your consistency (Ron Paul’s resolution has been to abolish the Fed for 30 years running).

Once you have drawn up a list of resolutions, you should share them. Often. In fact, if you irritate the same people with the same babble about the great stuff you have planned for the new year, at some point they will stop paying attention. A great paradox of interpersonal relationships is that the importance of something in someone’s mind often decreases with the frequency of repetition. Granted, this is a great way to lose friends and alienate people, but also a great way to build up a reputation as a “character,” especially if you mix in some anachronistic and weird resolutions, such as resolving to wear your “I Like Ike” button every Thursday.

Yes, the new year offers new opportunities and possibilities, like the opportunity to ham it up with the best resolution list ever, now that you know why you are making one in the first place. And if you could resolve to send me five bucks for giving you the idea, I would be very impressed.

Write kozthought@gmail.com.