Strauss: How to behave chivalrously in the 21st century

Ladies, when a man opens the door for you at Starbucks, thou dost not protest. Although chivalry… Ladies, when a man opens the door for you at Starbucks, thou dost not protest. Although chivalry is a practice more often associated with medieval knights than the modern-day suitor, it can and should exist in some modern form. Though a man doesn’t need to joust to defend a lady’s honor or put his coat over a puddle to pave her way, women should still expect men to behave chivalrously.

Men, generally, want to be chivalrous. It makes them feel like they’re fulfilling their social role to occasionally grab the check, carry your armoire up the stairs of your apartment building or offer up a seat in a packed lecture hall. Unfortunately, we ladies play a large role in discouraging these courtesies. If a man fears a woman will reject his offer to carry a heavy container or anticipates a scowl when he offers his chair, he’s not going to continue to offer.

Of course, dynamics between men and women have changed enormously since the Middle Ages — King Arthur and Lady Guinevere we are not. Nevertheless, singer-songwriter Lyle Lovett’s love rules still apply. “Women always go through the door first,” he writes in Esquire. “It’s perhaps an acknowledgment of women as the stronger sex. [Men] follow.”

We still want your help — just don’t be patronizing about it. If I’m carrying my over-stuffed backpack, I’m fine — I packed that myself. If I’m carrying that along with a huge box of T-shirts for my club’s fundraiser, then ask if I need a hand. You won’t need to walk with me all the way to my destination — just help me get the box up the stairs or down the hall and then politely remove yourself from the situation so you can make it to class on time. The few minutes of rest you gave my arms were greatly appreciated, and my biceps will probably be rejuvenated enough for me to transport the box to the necessary location.

On a related note, always hold the door for me if I’m a few steps away from you. Also, opening the car door is nice, as is offering your seat on a bus or subway. (I probably won’t accept the offer, but I’ll really appreciate that you asked.)

We also appreciate it when you pay on dates. Now guys, you should never pay if it’s your birthday, if you’re celebrating a job promotion, or during any other “you”-centric event. But otherwise, an “I’ll get this one, you get the next one” practice is appropriate. Women like to feel as if we were treated to something and don’t want to deal with the awkward check-splitting. Then next time, we can treat you. Pay on the first date, though she may insist you split it. Assure her she can get the next one (which also sets you up for a second date). If you didn’t have a good time, give in to her splitting request. If she didn’t have a good time, she’ll be much more insistent about offering to pay her half so she doesn’t feel like she owes you anything.

It’s also always nice to offer us something in a time of need: a pen, when we realize we forgot one; an Altoid, after we’re forced to sample the host’s garlic hummus at a party; a pocket knife, when we realize the tag is still attached to our new sweater.

The one item that’s most important for guys to have, though, especially in Pittsburgh, is an umbrella. If I’m stuck in the rain, there’s no way I’ll turn down anyone who asks if I want to share his. And if you’re sharing it with someone you fancy, you’ve just earned yourself a few minutes of chat time and a bunch of bonus points.

Do compliment us, but be careful. Most women don’t want to be called “adorable” or any of its synonyms. Sure, it depends on the context and the person, but generally girls, not women, are adorable, and generally women don’t want your first exclamation about their appearance to be, “You look so cute!”  Doing something for someone else always makes you feel good. So take an extra few steps for a lady, please. I promise it will pay off.

Contact Courtney at cas136@pitt.edu.