Kaback: Outsiders will never be true Pittsburghers

I love being told that I’m awesome. Yes, this is an invitation to write a letter to the editor. I love being told that I’m awesome. Yes, this is an invitation to write a letter to the editor. Unfortunately, I haven’t been feeling the love lately in Pittsburgh. The City of Champions, Steel City, Da ’Burgh — whatever you want to call it — does not like me.

I’m an outsider. When I came to the 412, I thought that I was just going to take some classes and meet some hipsters. Although the hipster part is certainly coming true, that image of mine didn’t capture the whole picture.

I didn’t know anything about Pittsburgh. Even the Philadelphia kids understood that it was OK for cars to not have a front license plate. If there’s any lesson to learn about this city, it’s that everyone is expected to know everything about Pittsburgh. “No, we don’t know how to pronounce the word creek, but you have never heard of the world-famous Monongahela Incline? Idiot.”

So let me get it out there: I understand that I can’t be accepted. I’ve been around steel before and I sure love a good hill, but none of that really matters. In reality, there are pretty clear reasons that I can never truly be a Pittsburgher.

I can’t stand the Steelers. I hate the Steelers. I seriously hate the Steelers. I’m sick of hearing about their blue-collar work ethic: They play football; they’re not laboring in the factories. I’m sick of hearing about their championships: They play football; they’re not curing cancer. I’m sick of hearing about their representation of Pittsburgh: They play football; they’re not running for mayor.

I only like two rivers. I think of myself as a pretty outgoing guy, but three is just one too many. Yes, it might have to do with the fact that it extends into West Virginia, but will the Monongahela River please step up its game? The Allegheny River at least has the name of the county in it, and the Ohio River is a pretty big deal, but the Mon? Can anyone outside of a 20-mile radius even pronounce it? It just doesn’t appeal to me.

I think Andrew Carnegie was just an OK guy. Three cheers for industrialism, America is a powerhouse, blah blah blah. Dial my number when you can tell me about something that has existed in the last half-century. Every city building and its grandmother doesn’t have to be named for the guy. Not to mention he was kind of a jerk. It’s not like he was popping in for tea with his lowly workers. The museums are great, but there has to be another human being that something can be named for in this city.

Pierogies are an average food. I have nothing but respect for Eastern European culinary inspiration, but, oh my gosh, please give me something with a little bit of spice. Are they really that enjoyable that the Pittsburgh Pirates have to have a race of mascot pierogies? Does any other city in America serve them with seemingly everything on the menu?

I actually like baseball. Speaking of the Pirates, can somebody please show them how to have a winning season? I once had a friend tell me that he loved the fact that the Pirates were bad because it made the tickets cheap enough for a poor college student. I’m not that poor! I can pony up the dough for a seat to at least a .500 season. PNC Park is absolutely beautiful and gives a stunning view of Downtown, but I only know that because it was too painful to actually watch the game and I had to look at something else.

I enjoy going both ways on streets. I know that whoever designed the Pittsburgh city grid was angry at the world, but can I please drive where I need to go? We all miss turns sometimes and some of us haven’t updated our GPS in years, but Pittsburgh seems cemented on ensuring that driving mistakes can never be fixed. “Why, sure you need to go right, the next 10 streets are left-turn only!” And once you finally find the street that works, it morphs into a mile-long tunnel.

I love Pittsburgh. I’ve taken on my role as an EastEnder better than the BBC. Whatever I do, though, somebody always finds something to correct about my lack of Pittsburghness. I never thought that the only thing standing in the way of me and community was the ability to figure out what a “gumband” is. So I’m giving up. I might live here and I might love it here, but I will never be from Pittsburgh. You win, Yinzers. You win.

Write Andrew at aak47@pitt.edu.