Reagle: How (not) to display PDA

Winter is a time for coupling up in Pittsburgh. Winter is a time for coupling up in Pittsburgh. It’s basically a survival instinct — two bodies means more heat on frigid, snowy days. It’s a good idea, really. So during the spring semester, you always see new couples popping up all over the place. But these fledgling couples need to be aware of one of the most contested topics in the entire world: PDA.

Maybe public displays of affection were necessary in high school when you had to show your best friend that she wasn’t the only eighth grader who could get a ninth-grade boy. Or maybe that wasn’t necessary.

However, the rules in the semi-real world of college are different. If you’re taking cues from the short-lived pairing of Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal, you’re doing it wrong. Public displays of affection are part of a delicate science. Here’s a quick guide to acceptable and not-so-acceptable forms of PDA:

Hand-holding.

Perhaps the most basic form of PDA, I find hand-holding to be generally acceptable. Hands cupped, fingers intertwined — be my guest.

Hand-holding rarely makes people want to vomit when they see it, so it’s a pretty safe activity. There are, of course, exceptions. Like if you’re wearing Smittens. Or putting your hands in each other’s pockets. That might trigger the gag reflex a little.

If you’re that couple who takes up the entire sidewalk and refuses to unlink to let people through, that’s about as OK as sharing a toothbrush. You know who you are.

Kissing.

The only situations in which kissing in public is acceptable are if you’re on an altar, if people are clinking their glasses all around you or if you’re saying hello or goodbye at an airport.

Note that this list in no way includes bars, parties, coffee shops, classrooms or hallways. Maybe I’m a prude — and obviously not European — but keep it in your pants.

The way everyone else feels about you kissing is definitely not how one feels while watching a romantic comedy. Sure, you can “aww” in the theater. But watching people kiss in real life triggers a response that’s sort of like how you feel when your parents kiss. No one wants to see that.

Restaurant etiquette.

Having worked as a busser at a restaurant for a mere three months, I saw more than my fair share of restaurant PDA. And I can break it down into a couple situations that just shouldn’t occur.

Across-the-table hand-holding — Not OK. It seems harmless. But it gets awkward fast when the server comes to set down the food, and the hands don’t unlink. And then the server has to try to fit five plates on a table already filled with arms. Just play footsie under the table at the same time, and you’ve got the perfect storm.

Same-side sitters — I’m not talking about a double date where the couples sit on the same side. That’s acceptable, even normal. I’m talking about the singular couple that sits at a four-person booth and uses just one side. It’s a booth, not a couch.

The best and subsequently worst display of same-side sitting that I’ve witnessed was perpetrated by a corporate Santa Claus type of man and his younger, blond-haired and faux-nailed girlfriend.

I went to fill their water glasses, and the woman was obviously intimidated by my excellence in bussing and my grimy ponytail. So she asserted her dominance by caressing her man’s face with her hot-pink fingernails and refusing to reply when I asked if she’d like a refill. Please, I’m begging you, keep this move out of your repertoire.

If you want to have a super-romantic dinner where you hold hands, blow air kisses and play footsie in your stockinged feet, do it at home. There you can display your affections as much as your roommates will tolerate.

Situational exceptions.

There are a couple places where PDA — in any form — is not acceptable. Some of these places are obvious. Funerals, for example. Or divorce court. But there are also places within our daily lives that shouldn’t involve PDA. These include coffee shops where the predominant mood is a studious one, classrooms and any part of any academic building.

Regarding the coffee shop, nobody slaving over a paper or studying for an exam wants to see a couple being cutesy. Studying is miserable enough without having to watch someone hold hands with one hand and flip textbook pages with the other. How effective can that sort of studying be anyway?

An exception to this exception is awkward first dates. There are few things I enjoy more than listening to stilted and forced banter while I’m procrastinating.

As for classrooms, it’s sort of obvious. Sit next to each other, but keep it at that. Don’t make it weird for the rest of us. We’re there to learn — or at least to concentrate on continuing the collection of doodles in our notebooks.

In a continuation of the classroom rule, I think it’s strange when couples have mini-dates at my favorite study spots in the Cathedral or elsewhere. It makes my between-class productive sessions a lot less productive.

As a general rule for PDA, just think: What would J. Biebs and Selena Gomez do? And then do the opposite. Relationships are super fun and exciting, but you no longer have to use PDA to prove your happiness. Try smiling. Or wearing matching T-shirts. Or getting matching tattoos. Those are all much more socially acceptable alternatives to PDA.

To defend PDA or point out additional annoying habits, email Sarah at sarahreagle@gmail.com.