Kozlowski: Christmas music encompasses more than ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’

Whether it’s at the mall, the grocery store, over the airwaves or in the Steel Plaza “T”… Whether it’s at the mall, the grocery store, over the airwaves or in the Steel Plaza “T” station, we won’t escape it until January: Christmas music.

Now that the holiday season starts around mid-October, it’s easy to feel a serious case of silver-bell fatigue. However much I enjoyed listening to “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” the first 187 times, there’s only so much a man can take. By the time Boxing Day rolls around, I find myself wanting to roast chestnuts on an open napalm fire, nip like Jack Frost at a songwriter’s nose, undeck the halls, throw the Yule log on old St. Nick and absolutely avoid jingling bells at all costs.

As with any good thing, the problem with Christmas music is that there’s too much of it; every department store or public space wants to be festive. Of course, the stores want to be festive without offending or excluding anybody, so the playlist is limited to tunes that don’t smack of religion and those that people know or have heard before. The music also has to appeal to people of all ages. The Lady Gaga Christmas album won’t go over well with Grandma, and the Bing Crosby Christmas album is like, totally 50 years ago to a devoted Little Monster. Given these limitations, the typical musical lineup is limited to 12 pop songs, “Auld Lang Syne” and a partridge in a pear tree. Those songs grow tired just in the span of one December, not to mention a string of them.

This is really a shame, because there are 800 years worth of Christmas music available from countries around the world. Bach wrote some excellent music for the holiday, and although Handel intended “The Messiah” for Easter, it’s been co-opted for Christmas. (I’ve always been partial to English and Polish carols, with an occasional Swedish one thrown in for good measure.)

It’s also worth noting that in quite a few carols, particularly the English ones, God isn’t the main focus. In England, Christmas was mostly an occasion for grown-ups to engage in heavy drinking and trick-or-treating (or “wassailing” if you prefer). The mention of God was so cursory and so often used as an excuse to have a good time that the Puritans actually banned celebrating the holiday in 1652. It didn’t help that Christmas had all sorts of pagan overtones. In fact, in the case of things like Christmas trees, it still does. Some holiday carols might not be so pious after all.

I understand some of the above music might offend people’s tastes and religious orientations, but they’d better understand that I’m at the end of my tether with that stupid reindeer. So how about we reach a compromise? Considering that we aren’t members of Congress, maybe we’ll actually find one. Here’s what I suggest to expand our holiday listening horizons.

First, we should play carols from around the world in languages other than English. If nobody knows what the words are or what they mean, who will get offended? I speak Polish, have heard Polish carols for years and know only a couple of them by name, but I’m not sure that I’ve ever understood the words. For a long time I thought that in one of them, the angels were announcing a hole instead of a miracle: I confused the word “dzura” with the word “cuda.” And while reliance on foreign carols would appear to violate the rule that holiday music be familiar, we should consider that “Carol of the Bells” is Ukrainian in origin. Lack of renown for a particular carol is nothing repetition can’t fix.

Second, make the carols as ecumenical as possible. If people want to write and play Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or Eid songs for balance, all the more power to them. Failing that, it would be very cool to have a klezmer arrangement of some old classics — The Shirim Klezmer Orchestra released a klezmer Nutcracker album in 1998 that makes for great listening.

Third, if these first two suggestions fail to catch on, the vocal components of carols can be doubled over with instruments to create something purely orchestral. “The Nutcracker” is perfectly P.C. for a reason.

Fourth, people need to lighten up. Words can be ignored easily enough. They’re just words. Often, this time of year is treated as the central front for the ongoing culture wars — conservatives lament that there isn’t enough Christianity in Christmas anymore, and liberals lament that there’s too much emphasis on that particular holiday. This is the time to call a truce in war, champion the unobjectionable desire for peace on earth and good will towards men and listen to some decent music from as many different cultures while doing so.

Write kozthought@gmail.com. No boughs of holly or fruitcake, please.