Satire | What your favorite Girl Scout Cookie says about you

The only good part of January and February has arrived — it’s Girl Scout Cookie season! It’s time to support the children of your favorite professors and also some mysteriously affiliated organizations on campus that somehow sell these things.

This time of year is always interesting because people get very passionate about these cookies and which ones are the best. I think that certain people like certain types of cookies, so I’ve decided to do my own Meet the Cookies and tell you what your favorite Girl Scout Cookie says about you. Before you read, head on over to the culture section to figure out which Girl Scout Cookie you are.

1. Samoas

If you like Samoas, you’re the best kind of person, because I really like Samoas and this article is for personal validation. But really, think about it. Samoas — or Caramel deLites, as they say in certain parts of Pennsylvania, apparently — contain a variety of flavors. Coconut, caramel, chocolate and that perfectly crisp cookie in the center of it all? You’re not afraid of challenges or novelty and you have a very sophisticated palette.

1. Lemonades

Unless you’ve had them recently, no one really knows what a Lemonade is. We know it’s lemon. But I remember them as powdered sugar lemon-wedge-shaped cookies. I also remember calling them Savannah Smiles. Therefore, if you like Lemonades, I am hesitant to trust you, because you may be insincere. Have you had them recently? Have you had previous iterations? Do you actually know what you’re talking about? I’m suspicious.

1. Lemon-Ups

Lemon-Ups have a similar vibe to Lemonades. The Girl Scouts website and I can confirm that they are new this year, so if you say they’re your favorite cookie, you are most certainly a fraud. However, I recognize that we are all so confused by the different evolutions of lemon-flavored cookies in the Girl Scouts canon that this slip-up can be deemed forgivable. You just love lemons.

1. Thin Mints

Thin Mint lovers are simple people who I will never understand but will always respect. You know exactly what you want and are very passionate about it, even if the “it” in question is a mint-flavored cookie that is just okay. However, a love for Thin Mints suggests great vibes because you enjoy the small things and probably have awesome breath.

1. Tagalongs

Nobody gives you the love you deserve. You’re incredible. Like Tagalongs, an incredibly delicious peanut butter and chocolate cookie, you’re one of the best things this miserable world has to offer, but not many people know it. Tagalongs put variation on one of the most classic combos of all time and variety is, in fact, the spice of life. Therefore, as a Tagalong lover, you are the spice of life. Relish in it.

1. Do-Si-Dos

Do-Si-Dos are often confused with Tagalongs, and this is a crime. They are not the same. There is a difference between bursting with peanut butter and chocolate and not doing that at all. While the oatmeal-peanut butter combo is a delightful choice for breakfast, it’s not as exciting to stress eat when you’re crying over the exam you just failed. I’m not saying you’re a horrible person if you like Do-Si-Dos, but I am going to say that I hypothesize that few people will scroll to this part of the article, because I also hypothesize that Do-Si-Dos are not a popular favorite. If it is your favorite, do not fret. I admire your conviction to a cookie that is just okay. Much like Thin Mint lovers, you know what you want and I respect that.

1. Thanks-A-Lots

Everyone thought you disappeared, but now that you’re back, all is right with the world again. You’re an essential in any situation because you’re simple and fun. However, you also have a very complicated aura of mystery because no one knows where you’ve been disappearing to. Where did you go? Why come back now? When will I see you again? Are you a druid? You’re probably a druid.

1. Trefoils

Even though we all collectively refuse to acknowledge that shortbread slaps, if you like Trefoils, you’re probably at least 80 years old. You like to keep it simple, like the cookies you had when you were a young boy in Victorian England. However, you are also smarter than all of us and recognize that Trefoils are the best deal of all the Girl Scout Cookies, with two sleeves of shortbread per box. I’m sure you learned those budgeting skills as a medieval peasant during the Dark Ages. 

1. Girl Scout S’Mores

In the wise words of Taylor Swift, I forgot that you existed. However, I cannot imagine anything more exciting than getting to meet you. Am I alone in not knowing that Girl Scouts makes not one, but two different types of s’more cookies? S’mores are the product of some pure genius if you ask me, and I’m surprised I did not know that the Girl Scouts have capitalized off of that genius, and I’m so glad they did. If this is your favorite cookie, you are much smarter than I am, and you know a good thing when you see it. I’m proud of you.

1. Toffee-tastic and Caramel Chocolate Chip

Who?