Schaff: Europe might be doomed, but let’s have fun with it

Well, at least Europe was a lot of fun while it lasted. Well, at least Europe was a lot of fun while it lasted.

As you likely know, it’s getting harder and harder for European Union countries to finance their debts, heightening the possibility of system-wide default and all the economic turmoil that entails.

Ever since it became clear that Greece, with its herculean debt-to-GDP ratio, would not be paying its creditors in full — many holders of Greek bonds had to accept a 50 percent loss three weeks ago — investors are dumping European government bonds, which countries use to raise much-needed funds, in droves. Mass sell-button-pressing raises the interest rate that governments must pay for each new dollar (or euro) of borrowed money. Once this interest rate, or cost of borrowing, reaches a certain level — like 7 percent on 10-year notes — borrowing is said to be unsustainable (i.e., the amount of borrowed money needed to pay interest on interest balloons exponentially).

Although college-student-frequented news outlets have concerned themselves with things like the Penn State scandal and pepper spraying at UC Davis, let’s be clear — interest rates for Greece, Ireland, Spain and Portugal bonds have already been there. Add in the failure of European technocrats to secure outside money for a “bazooka” bail-out fund and Germany’s insistence against, for historical reasons, the inflation option — i.e., the European Central Bank creating trillions of euros to buy undesired bonds — a massive realization of unfathomable amounts of sovereign debt seems barreling toward us. And the likely effects of that inexorable debt barrel aren’t so savory: the EU disintegrating, austerity measures of fantastic proportions being passed (cue social unrest), the financial system imploding and, as a combined consequence, a long, severe recession.

But don’t drown in worry — there’s no guarantee that Europe’s descent into fiery doom will happen immediately. And it might take even more time for the sovereign debt crisis to bring down already-dubiously solvent U.S. banks, considering their large gross exposure to European debt. So before you cash in your stock portfolio, here are some simple ways any busy college student can stand in solidarity with his or her European brethren and celebrate the glorious, embattled traditions of the motherland:

Walk around Pittsburgh munching on a baguette. No food item says “I heart Europe” more than a long crunchy bread stick baked to perfection. Baguettes will not only imbue you with a taste of sophistication; combined with a sufficient volume of alcohol — if you’re 21 — baguette consumption could easily transport you from the banality of Forbes and Fifth to the timeless streets of Paris (that is, before they’re littered with worthless pieces of paper currently known as euro notes).

Study National Lampoon’s “European Vacation.” Everyone loves the Griswold family, especially the pinpoint accuracy by which it characterizes European living in this 1985 American classic. Before the continent abounds with rice noodles and clothing manufacturing after being repossessed by its Chinese creditors, learn valuable lessons about the way the real Europe once was — namely that cities are overrun by impossible-to-escape, inefficient roundabouts and all that German youth yearn to accomplish in life is dancing in folk festivals decked out in lederhosen.

“Yo-de-lay” from the top of the Cathedral. Sure, Switzerland isn’t part of the EU, but if you stayed awake for the geography unit in middle school, you’d know that the home of Swiss chocolate is positioned smack dab in the middle of the unraveling economic mess. So one important way, clearly, you could show your support is to procure permission from the appropriate administrator, a set of long, striped stockings and some mouthpieced instrument (brass or animal bone, preferably washed) and head up to the Cathedral’s precipice for an afternoon of bouncing sound waves off the Allegheny Mountains.

Reroute your paycheck to the U.S. government. As you’ve probably heard from fair and balanced TV reporting, for decades duplicitous European tax policy has robbed honest families of income to pay for totally irresponsible, un-American — though highly popular and effective — social safety nets. What better way to show solidarity than mirroring the sacrifice through voluntary 100 percent tax payments? Hey, it might be harsh, but if enough people act with such empathy, perhaps the additional revenue could further postpone our own sovereign debt crisis.

If rehashing cultural cliches to make light of a potentially disastrous situation, here and abroad, pushes too many of your buttons, you could always protest outside The Pitt News office in the William Pitt Union. Also, you could send insults to Matt Schaff at matthew.schaff@gmail.com.