Schaff: You too can dominate the double-decker domain

Modern history has laid out a surefire path to a life without a smidgen of struggle or effort — being born into a wealthy and powerful family of Texas oil magnates. But if that’s outside your level of achievement, you might be stuck taking long bus rides. Modern history has laid out a surefire path to a life without a smidgen of struggle or effort — being born into a wealthy and powerful family of Texas oil magnates. But if that’s outside your level of achievement, you might be stuck taking long bus rides.

Accordingly, if you’re about to inaugurate your college bus-riding career with a visit to your family this holiday season, you’re undoubtedly spending your time biting fingernails over the largely unexplored issue of bus etiquette. But no need for frantic worry — five tons of steel, diesel and standing sewage have a low probability of inflicting too much harm (unless you’re a pedestrian or your driver collides with an 18-wheeler). And to further minimize your chances of undesirable bus-riding consequences, you’ve been specially selected to learn what it takes to become the world’s most beloved bus rider.

As a seasoned veteran of bus travel with all the merit badges and exclusive lounge memberships that the position contractually entails, I’ve logged countless hours cataloguing the ins and outs of conducting oneself optimally while locomoting with 50 other irritable, cramped and uncomfortable passengers. To be fully stupefied by my observational achievements, you’ll have to wait patiently for the book release. But before that happens, and in the interest of allaying your bus-related anxieties, here’s an excerpt.

Below are three simple behaviors that, when followed exactly, are proven to result in your fellow passengers simultaneously applauding you as their favorite person ever:

1. Renounce the cause of bathing at least a week prior to your trip. I’ve always said that taking the bus is a wonderful opportunity to appreciate what you have. No other form of getting to point B — including having your parents buy you a plane ticket or pleading with your car-endowed friends — affords you the same feeling of “Yeah, I’m really lucky to have once experienced 21st century living standards.” When we ride buses, it’s the plastic bathroom door that fails to keep the porta-potty smell from saturating the cabin air and the ex-convicts chatting beside us about their overweight cats that cause us to count our collective laurels. Passengers can value bus riding’s unique forum for the contrast of the human condition. Accordingly, anything about you that could accentuate this contrast would be invariably met with praise from your surroundings. A no-hassle way to accomplish that, I’ve discovered, is to simply stay away from the shower. Not only would you save on your water bill, your ensuing stench is sure to win you a handful of passenger popularity points.

2. Ask people to watch your bag so you can take a short bathroom break, and then totally blow them off. Waiting in line can be horrendous, and so can being responsible about your stuff. People who happen to share these two frustrations should now feel lucky they’ve chosen bus travel. That’s because the bus-riding experience puts on display the human capacity for generosity, as well as other humans’ capacity to exploit it. It’s really a beautiful thing. As the minutes count down before your bus rolls up, it’s totally acceptable to ask the person standing behind you to hold your spot in line. Assure them with an “It’ll be quick” and proceed to waste time as you please (PSPs and GQ magazines work well for this). Being forced to weigh competing interests as a line starts to move — i.e., by examining whether it’s more right to abandon the tardy requester’s luggage or to stay put, potentially holding up everyone — is an inherently fun mental exercise, and rushed travelers are always glad to accept the challenge. Testing people’s patience at the gate is a great way to break the ice before spending eight hours sitting next to them.

3. Get busy with a significant other on the bus. People love romance, especially in motion. Indisputable case in point: “Titanic.” So what if instead of passing time on a red-eye trying to sleep, passengers end up paying $30 for front row seats to your saliva-sloshing show? By staging a Code Red “macking” session in the comfort of your padded seats, you and your honey are gifting other less fortunate travelers, young and old, with priceless exposure to true love at its finest. Talk of PDA is invalid on buses; without things to do or escape routes to try, passengers are delighted to learn the intimate details of love like yours. And if you’re in an especially edifying mood, no problem. Just make sure to deposit your condom in the designated receptacle. Littering could put the brakes on your ultimate rider status.

If you’re still hungry for bus-riding wisdom, prepare some kind of bribe and email Matt Schaff at matthew.schaff@gmail.com. He just might sneak you a copy of his soon-to-be-best-selling compendium on bus etiquette.