Kaback: Nerds rule world, should embrace clout

I’m a nerd. Not a nerd like I take notes and study; a nerd like I went to a mathlete tournament in middle school. I’m a nerd. Not a nerd like I take notes and study; a nerd like I went to a mathlete tournament in middle school. With my mom and dad. They were very supportive. I guess you could say that I’ve lived my entire life that way.

Now life as a nerd isn’t much different than life as any other kind of person. I assume that jocks and thespians have similar experiences. You know, there are certain friend groups, expectations and party themes.

But although the basic categories might be the same, being a nerd has a different feel to it. The average person might throw an ABC party, and partygoers will bust out Saran Wrap and old pizza boxes and somehow create a form-fitting outfit composed of “anything but clothes.”

Nerds enjoy ABC parties too, only our acronym stands for “anything but capitalism.” Basically, everyone gets equal, centrally distributed food and beverage tickets and nobody has a good time. See also: Bolshevik Bros and Ho Chi Minh Hoes parties.

We’re told that we lack social skills and are too busy playing World of Warcraft to meet members of the opposite sex. If we aren’t debating if Batman can really be considered a superhero, we must be studying for the calculus exam that’s coming up sometime in the next two years.

I’ve never exactly felt like Jake from “Sixteen Candles,” but I think that I’ve done OK in the social-life department. I have friends — at least I think I do. I was on prom court in high school, and I came just a few votes short of “Most Social” in yearbook voting. I’ve even made varsity sports teams. But my experiences alone don’t prove that nerds are the best of our culture’s subdivisions.

The only way that I can really show the true reason that nerds should kick cheerleaders and musicians off the first-place cultural podium is by … being nerdy. It’s simple, really. There are two reasons that nerds win over the others. Yes, I do call non-nerds “the others.” And yes, that is a “Lost” reference.

1) Hermione turns out to be the hot one. Finally! “Harry Potter” is a rare cultural phenomenon that made the others join the nerd club. Not only did it allow us to say “Wingardium Leviosa” and be understood, but it gave us the chance to agree with our “others” friends on a movie to see. Instead of pleading with everyone that Woody Allen is funny (I swear he is!) or that Wes Anderson makes sense (I swear he does!), we could simply focus on letting them know it’s not “LeviOsa,” it’s “LeviosA.” And you know the nerd in the group? Hermoine. You know the one that turns out to be hot? It’s not Draco. Hermione went from squirrely to Jessica Alba in front of everyone. Tell me you weren’t signing up for Potions 101 after that.

2) Bill Gates turns out to make more money than everybody else. Whereas the use of computers isn’t restricted to nerds, the people who brought them to the forefront certainly were. Between Steve Jobs, Larry Page and Mark Zuckerberg, nerds took their place alongside the Rockefellers and Vanderbilts as the biggest money-makers. Seriously, how can Jay-Z sleep at night knowing Larry Ellison is beating him in the paper chase? How could we share red Solo cup pictures and start Arab revolutions if we didn’t have these technologies? Nobody cares that Joe Shmoe caught the game-winning pass anymore; we just want to tweet a really funny thought that just came to mind. Oh, and another one. Oh, one more! I’m just throwing this out there, potential life partners: Nerds and cash flow seem to be correlated.

Now I know what you’re thinking: Money and beauty don’t always make for the best situations. That might be true for celebrity marriages, but I think that the nerds are going to do OK. A serious change of heart is necessary for the others. Instead of doling out wedgies and practicing locker shoving, it’s time to look toward the future. After all, doesn’t everyone want to date Emma Watson?

So this is my call to the nerds of the world: Come out of your dark basements and don’t worry about putting down the video-game controller. Even though you might have to deal with three-headed dogs or impossible algorithms, the future will belong to nerds. One day, everyone will want to be you.

Email Andrew at aak47@pitt.edu.