Editorial: Casual Fridays 9/9

Seafood Circumcision

Continuing last Casual Friday’s theme of clandestine… Seafood Circumcision

Continuing last Casual Friday’s theme of clandestine trouser smuggling, a man in southern Mississippi was accused of trying to exit a grocery store with several unpaid food items — including live lobsters — stuffed down his shorts, the Associated Press reports. Although such a crime merits swift and unmitigated punishment, we at The Pitt News urge readers to look on the bright side: At least he didn’t have crabs.

Stop-Motion Robbery

A criminal with an appreciation for originality and a deficiency of common sense attempted to rob a 7-Eleven in a Gumby suit, NBC San Diego reports. After the clerk responded that he didn’t have time for the would-be thief’s antics and the incensed clay figure failed to produce a gun, the dastardly felony was aborted. The suspect was last seen galloping sullenly away on his getaway horse, Pokey.

A Bear Eat Dog World

Turns out the unconditional love dogs feel for humans is mutual. When a Juneau, Alaska, woman saw a bear carting away her beloved canine in its jaws, she acted on her first impulse and punched the abductor in the face. We’d make a Sarah Palin joke, but our Casual Fridays have to be socially relevant.

On the Lamb

Of all the strategies for undermining international relations, this has to be the most original: An Azerbaijani cabinet minister was nabbed trying to smuggle more than 100 pounds of lamb meat into Israel, the Associated Press reports. In unrelated news, Market Central had to cancel its gyro night, due to an unexpected scarcity of ingredients.

Forbidden Fruits

Forget drunken students — Scandinavia has more intimidating alcoholics. This Tuesday, CNN reports, a particularly rowdy Swedish moose became entangled in a tree after indulging himself in fermented apples. That same day, the following entry appeared in an unofficial Swedish police blotter: “Police issued a citation for public intoxication to a non-affiliate. A tree is still in critical condition.”