Kaback: Men can cry, too — but only for certain reasons

I am in desperate need of a good cry. I am in desperate need of a good cry. Not that I’ve ever actually cried, but one of my friends told me that it’s great. I mean, not that I’m friends with people that cry, but I know a guy who knows a guy. Point is, I really need a sob fest — but I am a man.

I know the place you’re in right now: You want a girlfriend and a crew to watch the game with. You want to eat beef jerky, drink protein shakes, smoke cigars and listen to rap music. You want to look like the ultimate man to the outside world. But I also know about that shameful part inside of you, the part that thinks flowers smell okay and that going to the bathroom with friends sounds like fun. I know that you want to cry.

Fortunately for you, there is a major loophole. No, I’m not talking about the tax code; I’m talking about crying code. Although equally complex, the worst that can happen from breaking the tax code is jail, whereas breaking the crying code brings eternal shame to families for generations. It is thus extremely important to know the few times that it is okay to let the raindrops go.

There have always been excuses for letting it loose. There is a reason that allergies suddenly became popular in America, and one day everybody needed eye drops. I guess you thought “Toy Story 3” just happened to come out during an economic recession.

The point is that we all search for excuses to feel — wow, this is hard to say — emotional. So we fake a sickness or make up a disease that our fabled Uncle John has, and everybody seems to pretend that it’s okay until their turn comes up. It’s a vicious cycle, and one that has to stop.

So what am I saying? I’m saying that instead of excuses, we need codification. I don’t care if you’re “having a bad day” or the Cheeto went too far under the couch cushion. If your reason for crying doesn’t fall into one of the following categories, then you need to find a new reason.

It is always acceptable to cry when “Field of Dreams” is on. I don’t know how many times I have heard voices telling me to forget about my corn and build a baseball field, but I know that I’m retiring to Iowa to do it. There’s something about this movie that reaches deep into the soul of a man and tortures it like a Guantanamo Bay prisoner. Whether it’s the dream of proving to your more financially successful family member that he’s a jerk or traveling the country to kidnap an ex-hippie, every guy needs the second chance to have a game of catch with their father.

It is always acceptable to cry when your dog has to go to the veterinarian. Diamonds are probably more appealing, but man’s best friend is a priceless thing. I know that diamonds are forever — or in America, about half of them are forever — but dogs do not come with a lifetime warranty. When threatened with the slightest cough or split hair, it is essential that you save your dog’s life. The only way to do this, of course, is to hand said dog off to a veterinarian. This way, you get to feel like you served your duty without having to actually do anything. It’s kind of like being Ben Affleck in a Matt Damon movie.

It is always acceptable to cry when a research project doesn’t allow the usage of Wikipedia. Ugh. Have professors ever tried to do research without Wikipedia? It’s like asking us to read a book without a Kindle. Wikipedia is right there. It’s calling your name. It’s like it wants to write the paper for you. Writing a research paper without Wikipedia is like being transported to the ’70s and having to go to the library. It makes me feel like my dad and get sudden urges to order beer with 3.2 percent alcohol content. It’s a sad fate for us all when PittCat is involved.

It is always acceptable to cry if a team loses the Super Bowl— not that I want to call out any city in particular here.The Super Bowl is the ultimate sports event and it takes on a unique role. For some reason, men always attach themselves to sports teams like they’re actual members of the team. It’s why we wear jerseys around on Sundays and think autographs are cool. So when our lives aren’t going all that great, we attach ourselves to sports losers, and we do it in carefully measured levels. A bad grade equals a Kansas City Royals loss, and a cheating girlfriend is like a Penguins playoff loss. But the really and truly awful things that happen to men — receding hairlines and Viagra commercials — always come up during the Super Bowl.

So next time you wonder if you should just move to Europe and start eating yogurt, remember that you can both cry and be a man. Just follow the simple rules, and everything will be okay. And whenever you’re having a really bad day, just make sure that it’s during the Super Bowl while your dog’s at the vet, and you aren’t writing your research paper because “Field of Dreams” is on cable.

Email Andrew at AAK47@pitt.edu.