The NFL season provides players to root against

Each fall, America experiences an environmental change that comes with as much certainty as the… Each fall, America experiences an environmental change that comes with as much certainty as the sunrise.

No, it isn’t the temperature dropping. It’s not the leaves changing colors, either. It’s the environmental change most people call “football season,” but I like to call it a transition into heaven.

That’s because the world’s most entertaining sports season is slowly going to knock baseball out of SportsCenter’s top plays. It’s because I’d rather watch Terrell Owens do bicep curls in his driveway than see Alex Rodriguez complete a throw to first base from his knees.

But most importantly, it’s because I get to choose who to root against. I have this privilege because my favorite team, the Washington Redskins — namely Daniel Snyder — have driven themselves into such a dark place that I can’t say I root for them anymore.

Sure, I watch every down of every game of every season. But that doesn’t make me a fan. I’d be a fan if I liked what I was seeing. So while the Redskins find new ways to lose this season, I’m going to go out and seek a few people I’d like to see dragged down into sports infamy with them.

This summer, after drinking my haterade each morning, the choices have become easier and easier. After long hours of intense research, note taking, study and laughter, I have chosen the five players I’d like to see fail miserably this season.

Albert Haynesworth — This one is easy, for a few reasons. Firstly, Haynesworth is just a horrible person. I mean that with all the sincerity I can muster. He’s the guy who stomps on the face of a player missing his helmet (intentionally). He’s the guy who takes a $100 million contract and then cries like a big 300-pound baby because he has to change positions. He’s also the guy who Bill Belichick took a chance on, and I’ve been patiently waiting for Belichick to err in a decision like this for years — just to prove he’s human.

Tony Romo — It’s rare that you go an entire off-season without hearing about the Dallas Cowboys’ starting quarterback, but this summer, news on Romo was pretty much nonexistent. The reason is probably a combination of the fact that Romo has never been that good and that nobody really likes the Cowgirls. After a broken collarbone ended what was turning into a mediocre season last year, Romo only needs one more forgettable year to fall into NFL oblivion. Nothing would make me happier.

DeSean Jackson — I know what you’re thinking. Jackson rounds out a list of three guys who all played in the NFC East last season, and three guys any Redskins fan would hate. But for Jackson, it’s more than just that. I know Jackson is good. Despite some of the inexplicably dumb decisions he’s made on the field, I almost have respect for the guy. But there is just something about a man who weighs as much as I do surviving an NFL season that gets to me. Something about his arrogance, size and demeanor makes me root for anyone who covers him, and I just can’t control emotions like that.

Every quarterback wearing a Broncos jersey — I’m not your average Tim Tebow hater. I don’t have any problems with his “John 3:16” eye black or his obvious Christian views (which many analysts have suggested as the reason for a universal dislike of Tebow). I don’t like him because I hate Florida football, I hate any professional athlete who earns millions in sponsorships before playing a single game professionally, and I hate when a fullback tries to throw a football. Despite the fact that Brady Quinn and Kyle Orton (the other two QBs on the Broncos roster) are easy to hate as well, I’m only rooting against them so Tebow can get on the field and fail miserably too. Like I said, I’ve been drinking my haterade.

James Harrison — Normally, I’m all in favor of a big, smack-talking, hard-hitting linebacker. I love Ray Lewis. I love swagger. But Harrison, somewhere, crossed the line in my eyes. I think what bothers me most about him is what he does to a franchise like the Pittsburgh Steelers. Harrison has been the only guy other than Rashard Mendenhall to open his mouth in an idiotic-enough way to tarnish the Rooney family’s reputation for finding players with good character. After his bashing his All-Star quarterback, the NFL commissioner, Mendenhall, the dynasty that is the New England Patriots, Rodney Harrison and Tedy Bruschi, I just can’t listen to this guy anymore. The moment may never come, but I’d pay to see a guy like Maurice Jones-Drew lower his shoulder and plow Harrison.