Bateman: Ditch your ball and chain with a steamy sext

Now that the fall semester has arrived, it’s time to begin thinking about a fresh start…. Now that the fall semester has arrived, it’s time to begin thinking about a fresh start. Whether you’re an apple-cheeked freshman or a weather-beaten, ninth-year senior, you’ll never be able to start anything if you’re stuck in the middle of something — and by “something,” we mean a stagnant relationship. Paul Simon noted that there are 50 ways to leave your lover, but after several clinical trials and much field research, we’ve realized that only four of those will enable you to do a total romance reboot. Here’s what we learned:

Vanish. Absence might make the heart grow fonder, but a total disappearance à la legendary lost beauty Natalee Holloway or airplane hijacker D.B. Cooper is the ticket to commencing a new life. This is perhaps the best way to terminate a long-distance relationship that’s costing you big bucks on bus fares and plane tickets — cash you’re undoubtedly eager to redirect to your PlayStation 3 and $5 pizza “discretionary fund.” Simply “defriend” the person on Facebook, block him or her on your email and carry on as if those months or years of fair-to-middling times never even happened. Besides, who wants somebody around who can remind you of what a loser you were in high school? Now that you’re racking up those “Call of Duty” body counts and running train on games of beer pong, you’re a big person on campus — and no “blast from the past” can tell you otherwise.

The nuclear option. If you’re dating someone you go to school with and thus might encounter at a party/rave/mosh pit/flash mob/etc., vanishing might prove impracticable. Instead — and those of you with divorced parents will know where we’re coming from — you’ll want to use the “nuclear option”  to ensure that no bridges are left standing after you beat a hasty retreat. This one’s pretty easy: just wait for your significant other to launch into an argument about some trivial matter, whereupon you can “take it personal and make it personal” by launching into an all-encompassing ad hominem argument. Check out the following example:

Your significant other: Why didn’t you take out the trash?

You: Why are you such a horrible person who is bad at everything? Also, I want to break up with you!

Your significant other: Where is this coming from? I was just talking about the trash! Take it easy, pal.

You: I wish we had never met, and I also wish that you had never been born. You have ruined my life, you awful creep!

Once you’ve read this person the riot act, you can rest assured that he or she will never want to talk to you again — and for good reason, you bum.

Textual dissatisfaction. If you’re a passive-aggressive type who wants to avoid conflict at all costs, you could just do the right (i.e. wrong) thing by carrying on a flirtatious relationship with some babe or bro behind your significant other’s back. Once things have started to “heat up,” you can leave your smartphone in a conspicuous location such as your significant other’s lunch box or diary drawer in the hopes that he or she will discover some steamy text exchange like this:

u: hey sup

ursecretluvr: nm u

u: nm jus chillin

ursecretluvr: cool

u: hey ur sexy

ursecretluvr: yah u 2

u: kthx u 2

ursecretluvr: yah i kno u said that b4

u: lol

ursecretluvr: lololol

After stumbling onto such damning evidence of a lover’s “dangerous liaison,” what man or woman in their right mind would be anything but outraged and heartbroken? Say goodbye to that domestic gulag you’ve found yourself trapped in and hello to the swinging single life, dear readers.

An honest, mature conversation. But what if you genuinely respect your significant other’s feelings and don’t want him or her to remember you as a no-good, rotten jerk? Well, we suppose you could sit down and talk about the problems in the relationship and see if it’s worth continuing as a couple. If you both agree that things are irretrievably broken, you can agree to remain friends to the extent that friendship is possible after the conclusion of such a deep and meaningful experience. And then you could carry on with your life, remembering the old relationship as one of many important stages along the haphazard highway that leads — hopefully — to unconditional love.

Of course, if that sounds about as fun to you as watching C-SPAN 3 (or even worse, C-SPAN 193) does to us, you could always just take one of the other routes we’ve suggested and spend your semester having a really hard time of it, emotionally speaking.

Oliver Bateman is the co-founder of the Moustache Relationship Research Facility of America. Visit moustacheclubofamerica.com to take our award-winning 266-question compatibility test, and follow us on Twitter. Is love just around the corner for you? All signs point to yes.