Bateman: Advice for the Mustache Column’s faithful readers

As the greatest advice column in the free world, the Moustache Column of America has touched,… As the greatest advice column in the free world, the Moustache Column of America has touched, caressed, fondled and at times even groped the lives of thousands. Until this week, though, our readers have never been given the opportunity to pose the sort of hard-hitting, birds-and-bees questions that Mom and Dad remain forever afraid to answer. Now that we’ve opened this Pandora’s mailbag, it’s highly unlikely that any of you will ever find yourselves going hungry for knowledge again.

Dear Mr.,

I am writing to see if the item you are selling (one extra-good stair stepper) is still available for sale per the ad on Craigslist.

Thanks,

A.

A., this is one of the toughest moments in a young man’s life. Believe us when we tell you that what’s happening with your body is not your fault and that — given sufficient time — this too will pass. Until then, remember to keep a clean sheet under your bed at all times.

Hi,

I have been having a real problem with my girlfriend. I don’t think she loves me anymore. So in your opinion, is “The Hangover” a better movie than “The Hangover Part II”?

Best,

B.

We’re glad you brought this to our attention, B.. Despite the wealth of film criticism available on the Internet, it is almost impossible to determine if a movie is good or bad, let alone if one is better than another. In spite of this problem, known as Ebert’s Paradox among cineastes, we can assure you that “American Pie 2” is almost universally regarded as the best movie ever made.

Dear,

Hi, just wanted to know if you thought Kevin Love is the best baller.

Peace out,

C.

No, C., the best basketball player — and consult basketball-reference.com if you don’t believe us — was Isaiah “J.R.” Rider. In addition to his monstrous slam dunks and hoop jams, J.R. averaged an astonishing 16.7 points per game over the course of a nine-year career. Even coach-choker nonpareil Latrell “Spree” Sprewell, sneaker company entrepreneur Stephon “Starbury” Marbury and man-mountain Glen “Big Baby” Davis never ascended to such rarefied heights.

Hey Moustache,

Because of those $5 pies, I have gained a few pounds over the last couple years in college, and now my khakis are getting tight around the waist. I know you’re always writing about getting jacked, so tell me what to do.

Word,

D.

D., you obviously haven’t been paying attention to our previous columns. If you had, you would know that there’s a very simple solution to your problem: Tell all of your friends that you’ve entered the “hardgaining” phase of a bodybuilding career. When they press you for more details, explain that you’re trying to add as much mass as possible prior to a “hydroxycutting/shredding” phase that will take place before you head to the beach. This makes perfect sense and will almost never be disputed.

Hey bro,

Just another bro here wondering what would be a good meal to eat the morning after getting all crap-faced and mega-frosty with a case or two of Yuengling Black & Tan.

Living it,

Your bro F.

Sweet question, bro! Indeed, nothing can cramp one’s style quite like the diarrhea, headache, lethargy and extreme thirst that accompany a terrible hangover (which, getting back to another question in today’s column, is yet another reason why the movie “The Hangover” — the only side effect of which is 100 minutes of side-splitting hilarity — is preferable to an actual hangover). During our wayward youth, we dealt with more than our fair share of malt liquor- and 151-induced hangovers. In our humble opinion, nothing beats back those hangover blues quite like our patent-pending “Belly Filler” bread snack.

Although we’ve kept this recipe secret for many years, we’re going to share it with you, F., because you seem like our kind of bro, especially with all the getting crap-faced and mega-frosty you seem to have been doing. In order to make the “Belly Filler,” you grab a few slices of bread — maybe five or six, and possibly some spicy Cheetos if you’re feeling adventurous — and dunk them in whatever kind of lukewarm fluid is at hand. Stale beer works best, although toilet bowl water can be used in a pinch. (Note: If you’re going to use water from the commode, remember to check that your bros have flushed!) After the bread gets all soft and gooey, mold it into a huge ball and shove it into your mouth. Chewing — or, more accurately, gumming — this enormous mass might prove difficult at first, but once you get the first few pieces down your throat, the rest of it will seem like an ocean breeze. Trust us: Once you’ve eaten a delicious “Belly Filler,” that nasty old hangover will be the last thing on your mind.

Although we tried to respond to the most pressing questions in our inbox, we realize that we might have overlooked some real humdingers (such as which celebrity has the “best beach body of 2011,” to name just one). If you’ve got a can’t-wait query for the Moustache Club of America, post it on our Twitter at http://twitter.com/#!/MoustacheClubUS. For a list of questions we’ve already answered, check out moustacheclubofamerica.com.