Schaff: A student’s guide to post-Rapture life

There was a time when I didn’t subscribe to apocalyptic fantasies. But when the Rapture… There was a time when I didn’t subscribe to apocalyptic fantasies. But when the Rapture occurred just as Harold Camping predicted and my 20-year-old Jewish self surprisingly didn’t earn “Chosen One” status, I suddenly changed my mind. And for all Pitt students who find themselves in a similar, soon-to-be-perilous Earth-bound situation, heed my words, as they might be our only hope in this existentially dark hour.

Getting formally rejected from salvation last Saturday — waiting in vain for Morgan Freeman’s voice or, at the very least, @TheHolyTrinity’s response to my Facebook friend request — could have amounted to a self-esteem blow of celestial proportions. But alas, I haven’t given up. I’m not canceling my dinner reservations on the Elysian Fields just yet, and neither should other unchosen Pitt students. Instead of wallowing in our collective doom, join me in realizing our second chance.

Because human beings have so thoroughly embraced the concept of second chances — think of the rise, fall and rise again of beloved quarterback/dog fighter Michael Vick — it’s only rational to assume our creators also share this value. Hence, I feel it most accurate to term May 21 not so much the Judgment Day with capital letters, but more the First Round Rapture Draft. Camping himself says the Earth shouldn’t become a smoldering sphere of lava until this fall, so I bet many would agree that over the next five months, human civilization could easily experience a second draft round.

With that in mind, preparations are in order for Pitt students who didn’t make the first cut. Yes, it’s true that God might not have favorably judged you with his all-around-person lens — I mean, you could have eaten more broccoli — but in my view, there’s no saying what other lenses he’ll use next. Therefore, we students should naturally assume that the academic lens could be the next test and then rise to meet the occasion — and in the process, our maker.

Here are some common-sense tips that, if implemented over the next semester, might not only affect your standing within the University, but also whether you’re standing inside or outside the pearly gates. The stakes are literally sky-high — the add/drop period doesn’t apply to Eternity 1000.

Visit the Career Development office. Since there are only five more months to technically hold a job of any kind, spending your last days worrying about an earthly career might seem fruitless. Like most armageddons, this one’s poised to eliminate science, technology and industry, so you might be feeling better about your English major or Lady Gaga minor. But be not mistaken — just like the real world, the angelic order no longer knows where to place social science graduates without any appreciable skills in the New Earth.

Hang out in the University Honors College. Although the top of the Cathedral of Learning might serve as the place on campus best suited for pleading with the gods, you’ll really score holy points on the 35th floor through other means. Specifically, as the Honors College prepares a brand new dean who aims to broaden the program’s student involvement, it’s a perfect opportunity to finally engage in the life of the mind among similarly motivated people. You might take away an educationally enriching — and potentially GPA-boosting — experience.

Try out a fitness center. It’s time to stop bragging about Pitt’s nine professional-quality fitness centers to your friends and family while pathologically avoiding them. No, a shapely physique won’t boost your Second Round Rapture Draft ranking, but regular exercise is thought to enhance the functioning of your brain — the tool you’ll need to convince heavenly auditors that your academic performance is top-dollar.

Cut back on $5 pizzas. Yes, the sheer bounty of cheap, delicious and empty calories floating around town easily tempts young mortals on Pitt’s campus. But lead us not into caloric temptation. Remember that healthy eating habits — which, of course, include eating all your broccoli — are thought to enhance academic performance, and console yourself with the well-known fact that saved individuals await a limitless amount of ambrosia and nectar. No doubt the obesity epidemic has hit heaven too, but those reaching salvation don’t have to take tests or support cardiovascular systems.

Climb into bed. Your dry, cotton comforter and extra-long twin sheets will likely prove unfavorable sanctuary once the mile-high flames consume Pittsburgh, but for the time being, a Second Round-wannabe should respect the value of the bed. Specifically, any extra sleep you squeeze from that bed will improve your chances of getting a wink from above. Regular sleep patterns have been correlated with better academic performance, and you can rest assured that your omniscient adjudicators are fluent in contemporary sleep research. But what if you can only agree to quality bed-time if a hot collegian joins you? No worries — it is the end of the world, after all.

For more ways to sanctify your next semester and ensure your seat in the New World Order, consult a holy book or evangelical prophet. For all other questions and concerns, email Matt Schaff at matthew.schaff@gmail.com.