April Fools: That Guy wins character award

When That Guy arrived 35 minutes late to his 8 a.m. class Thursday morning, he took his usual… When That Guy arrived 35 minutes late to his 8 a.m. class Thursday morning, he took his usual seat in the very back row of the lecture hall and began asking around if anyone did the homework so he could copy a few answers. It turns out he didn’t have a pen either.

“Yeah I slept in a bit. It’s whatevs. I didn’t sleep much last week cause I was up every night putting the last touches on my essay for the Outstanding College Character award,” he said.

The sleepless nights paid off. That Guy was recently announced the winner of the 2011 Outstanding College Character award given for demonstrating outstanding character throughout his lifetime.

The College Character Board, a national organization, receives thousands of applications each year, and That Guy said it was “pretty sweet” to have been selected.

The application involved writing an essay outlining the applicant’s great character. That Guy said he lifted most of the essay right from his roommate’s computer screen — the roommate was also applying for the award — before deleting the document.

“Shh. Don’t tell,” That Guy said.

But some of his application was original material, he said.

“I had just a few little kinks on my record with the police, and I had to do some volunteering. I ended up working with mentally challenged puppies at this animal shelter, and I wrote a couple sentences about that experience that the board must have liked. I didn’t tell them I was just cleaning up my criminal record,” he said.

That Guy said he still believes his outstanding character shines in his everyday life, but some who know him well aren’t sure he’s the role-model student he portrayed in his essay.

His former girlfriend, Pitt junior Pooki, described his character as anything but outstanding. Even when they were together, she said, he often refused to pay her any attention.

“Like he’d carry a guitar pick in his wallet, and whenever we were at a party and there were some girls around he’d find a guitar and start playing ‘Wonderwall,’” she said.

That wasn’t That Guy’s only display of egregious social behavior.

“We had this really nice dinner planned and then he forgot his credit card, and he only had like $5 in his wallet so we had to get a pizza,” she said. “I ate like three pieces and then he told me I was fat.”

But it was That Guy who chose to end their relationship by text message a few weeks ago. He didn’t go into the details about his motives.

“I have needs, and she just wasn’t fulfilling them. You know what I mean, brah?” he said.

That Guy’s roommate, Pitt junior Ron Weezly, complained that he leaves laundry in the dryer “all the freaking time.”

“I went to do my laundry, and That Guy’s clothes were still in the washing machine from last week,” Weezly said. “I really needed some clean socks because That Guy kept taking them from my drawer after his fifth week of not doing laundry.”

Weezly was last seen shouting “Wingardium Leviosa” while pointing fruitlessly at the washing machine. He didn’t have any socks on.

That Guy’s mother, Sandra Guy, reports tension in their relationship ever since That Guy started exceeding his text messaging limit each month. She still pays his phone bill.

“I really try to keep him as No. 1 in my heart, even though that number is roughly also his GPA.”

Included in the award was a $100 prize. That Guy said he considered using the extra money to pay off his phone bill for his mom, but he quickly changed his mind.

“Nah. I think I’ll just go buy a bunch of Red Bulls,” he said.