Bateman: It’s summertime, and the hardgaining is easy

With the advent of springtime, you guys need to put down those video game controllers and… With the advent of springtime, you guys need to put down those video game controllers and Toblerones so that you can start working on the summer bod of your dreams. You’ve got only a few weeks to reach that long-coveted goal of a ripped 220-pound physique, which means you’ll have to “hardgain” the necessary weight and then “shred/Hydroxycut” down to your physical peak. All of this might sound intimidating to the bodybuilding “n00b,” but we’re old hands at this game and more than willing to share our wisdom with you.

Bodybuilding veterans will tell you that the “hardgaining” phase is the most fun part of the program. No holds should be barred as you struggle to amass the avoirdupois required for subsequent “shredding/Hydroxycutting” activities. The Freshman 15 (or 50, if you’ve been especially lucky) is a big help here, but our healthy, exciting tips and tricks will work even for people who haven’t spent the better part of this interminable Pittsburgh winter filling out their loose sweatpants.

The gallon-of-milk-a-day (“GOMAD”) dietary plan has been recommended by nutrition experts ranging from that one really boisterous guy in Zubaz shorts at the gym to the angel of death who keeps appearing in our dreams. To succeed, consume a gallon of whole milk every single day. Gastrointestinal distress is bound to result, but a ripped 220-pound frame is well worth a few noisome farts. Besides, you’re in college — and what hot college comedy would be complete without a character who amuses his bros with some gut-busting flatulence? It’s a can’t-lose proposition, friends.

An alternative to GOMAD is the equally affordable and equally delicious eight-five-dollar-pizzas-a-day plan (“EFIDOPAD”). Simply shake off that late-semester hangover — the carbs in beer are great for developing the sort of shirt-filling puffiness that drives the men and women wild, so don’t fret about partying like beloved rockstar Ke$ha — and stroll down to one of this campus’ many fine discount pizzerias. Order eight pizzas — at a mere $40, this is a steal on a par with the Louisiana Purchase — and then plop down in front of the TV. Consume the pies slowly while watching reruns of “SportsCenter” on ESPN, and you’ll reach your target weight in no time at all.

After you’ve hit that target weight, it’s time for the “shredding/Hydroxycutting” to commence. The least painful way to do this is to stop eating for a few weeks while maintaining a 24/7 exercise schedule (but be careful, because even the air contains fat-laden carbs). You can combat painful hunger pangs by taking sips of sugar water from a baby bottle and sleeping at least 15 hours per day. Diarrhea is a fantastic way to lose those love handles, with a combination of heavy-duty laxatives and heavy-duty adult diapers certain to yield rapid results. If you’re a real sissy, you can allow yourself 100-200 carb-laden calories per day — just as long as you’re willing to do an extra 5,550 biceps and forearm curls (partial reps, of course) to burn those off.

Why so many curls, you ask? Well, according to surveys conducted in those glossy magazines you find near the checkout line, the sexiest parts of the human body are the biceps, the forearms and the calves. The purpose of “hardgaining” is to beef up those parts so that there’s even more of them, with “shredding/Hydroxycutting” serving to add all those super-sensual veins that your significant other enjoys caressing.

Once you’re roughly the size of a barge, begin preparing for your big-screen beach debut. This is your moment, and with 220 ripped pounds on your side, it’s likely that the beach bunnies are going to hear you coming long before you stroll into view clad in naught save the turquoise Speedo that Daniel Craig made famous in “Casino Royale.”

As soon as your would-be admirers catch sight of you, you’re going to want to clear the sands of possible rivals. Take a break from periodically kissing and rubbing your massive guns long enough to strike a “most muscular” pose. When deployed properly, a fearsome “most muscular” can cause even the pointiest club-spiked hairdo to wilt. Afterward, gambol and pirouette through a sequence of glamorous poses ranging from the ever-popular “front lat spread” to the awe-inspiring “serratus intercostals twisted crunch.”

By now, you’ve undoubtedly secured your position as the hero of the beach. No one can deny your spectacular body symmetry or the smooth flow between your muscle groups. Your bone structure looks fabulous — so fabulous that it more than compensates for the fact that you can’t bend your arms to scratch your neck or drop into a crouch to catch a baseball. Who cares about any of that crap, anyway? If it were Christmas, your massive calves could stuff even the most capacious stocking, and beloved homemaker Martha Stewart could hang one heck of a wreath off your enormous “pec deck.” Make no mistake, friends: You couldn’t see a better human being if you tried.

Oliver Lee Bateman was the 1998 Mr. Moustache Bodybuilding Club of America Overall Champion. If you’d like to learn how to score big during your muscularity round and wow the crowd with your free posing routine, check out the top secret tips and tricks at moustacheclubofamerica.com.