Bond: How to succeed in blogging without really trying

Some people say blogs are on the way out faster than fanny packs.

I don’t really know much… Some people say blogs are on the way out faster than fanny packs.

I don’t really know much about trends, so I have no idea. I might even be wearing a fanny pack now. What can I say? It complements my socks and sandals.

But what I do have is an idea about what makes a blog successful. This column will outline tips for succeeding in blogging without really trying, and it will also provide examples of blogs that I think properly illustrate the elements of a good site.

Offer a service — Unless you are a stunt double, your day-to-day activities probably aren’t interesting enough for people to want to read about. Therefore, it’s best to offer some sort of service to your reader. If I’ve picked up useful information from a blog before, I’m probably more likely to come back.

Case in point: howsweeteats.com. A Pittsburgh blogger, Jessica from How Sweet brings a lot to the table in terms of cupcake recipes that will require you to bust out your stretchy pants. You’ll also find plenty of recipes involving bacon and chocolate — not necessarily together, but I wouldn’t rule it out. One thing you probably won’t find is any recipe involving a vegetable. Unless, of course, it’s smothered in bacon or chocolate.

Be attractive — If you’re not going to offer a service, this rule is really important. From what I’ve seen, one of the main purposes of blogging is to just wh*re yourself out there as much as possible. By having a blog, you’re basically saying, “I consider myself so special that you should spend less time living your life and more time reading about mine.” And if that’s the case, you better be nice to look at.

Case in point: jseverydayfashion.com. J offers a service by posting about affordable fashion everyday, and she also has the advantage of being tall, tan, thin, blonde and gorgeous. Sure she sells fashion, but I’m sure she sells it better by looking like a Floridian goddess.

Be hilarious — If you have nothing to offer the world and you hit every branch falling out of the ugly tree, you can still succeed in blogging if you’re funny. Sure, people visit blogs for new information, but they also want to be entertained.

Case in point: rachelwilkerson.com. Rachel’s blog features her own life lessons, but that’s not what keeps people reading. She offers extremely funny insight on topics like whether it’s OK to get McDonald’s breakfast after a night of drinking or who should sleep on the wet spot on the bed after sex. She’s just your average Michigander-gone-Texan, so it’s important for her to be funny. I mean, why else would anyone care about her life lessons?

Post bikini pictures — I’ve realized that everyone, and I mean everyone, wants to look at everyone else in a bikini. Men want to look at women in bikinis; women want to look at women in bikinis; and if a man put on a bikini we’d look at that, too. It doesn’t matter if it’s pleasant or unpleasant — we just need to see what it looks like. If it looks good, we’re turned on, or jealous, or motivated or all three. If it looks bad, we judge, we share with others, we somehow feel better about ourselves. You just can’t go wrong posting bikini pictures.

Case in point: theskinnywebsite.com. This website actually has a tab at the top for “celebs in bikinis,” which I find myself frequenting more than the other tabs. And yes, I enjoy the unpleasant bikini pictures just as much, if not more, than the pleasant ones. After all, what made her think she had business in a bikini, anyway?

Be unique — Let’s be real. Chances are, someone else is blogging about the same thing you’re blogging about, and they’re probably doing it better. So unless you are extremely attractive, extremely hilarious or extremely willing to post daily pictures of yourself in a bikini, you need to offer me something that I can’t get anywhere else.

Case in point: whatscottwore.tumblr.com. What Scott Wore focuses on the clothing choices of “Keeping up with the Kardashians” star Scott Disick and offers commentary on what might have been going through his mind when he chose that magenta paisley blazer.

Have a really cute pet, or I guess a cute baby could even work — This pretty much speaks for itself. Just yesterday, I saw several girls fawning over a guy with a puppy. The blog world is kind of like the real world, except with more people in bikinis.

Case in point: skinnyrunner.com. Skinny Runner surely falls into several of these categories, but one thing that really keeps me coming back is her adorable yorkie, Marni. That dog could have its own blog and I’d probably read it. It wouldn’t be the strangest thing I’ve ever seen. I mean, my chinchilla has his own Twitter account.

So I bet you’re probably wondering if my blog fulfills these criteria. I’m going to say yes. I frequently post pictures of myself in a bikini — with a fanny pack on top — while holding my adorable chinchilla, Margaret Thatcher, and offering tips on how not to pick up men in bars. As Ina Garten, host of the popular Food Network show “Barefoot Contessa” would say, “How bad can that be?”

If you want to peruse my large fanny pack collection, e-mail lexluthorbond@gmail.com.