Green: RNC could beat debt by selling leather handbags with built-in holsters

The Republican National Committee is desperate — desperate for money. The Republican National Committee is desperate — desperate for money.

And now the RNC — currently $21 million in debt, according to The New York Times — is concocting various schemes to get cash quickly.

The latest is a proposal to GOP primary presidential contenders: The RNC will graciously host the upcoming primary debates — picking the format, content and moderator— if the candidates will help bail the party out of debt.

I suppose this is beneficial to Republican candidates, because otherwise the debates would be hosted by the “lamestream” media, and who knows what kind of catastrophic repercussions could come from that?

So far, candidates have yet to respond to the proposal, and I’m not sure how well it will go over. At best, the candidate is contributing to his own campaign. At worst, he’s contributing to the campaign of his opponent.

But what else is RNC Chairman Reince Priebus to do? It turns out that being the leader of an organization with significant amounts of debt is not an easy job. Go figure.

I can just picture Priebus pacing around some gothic-style lair and muttering to himself as the scorned specter of former Chairman Michael Steele floats around him forlornly.

Of course, as an alternative, the RNC could just model itself after the Democratic National Committee. According to the New York Daily News, the DNC cashed in $1.5 million at a fundraiser held at a new Red Rooster restaurant in Harlem last week. After all, who can resist a menu of “lobster salad, braised short ribs and chocolate cake with rhubarb compote”? https://pittnews.com/wp-admin/edit.php?post_type=video

Here’s a great idea. What if Priebus harvested the leather from John Boehner’s face to launch a designer handbag line? These bags, made with only the finest Ohioan leather, are perfect for the conservative on the go and even include a built-in handgun holster, ranging in sizes from .30 caliber to magnum hand cannon.

Or maybe the RNC could sell an audio recording of the House’s January reading of the Constitution. Now thousands of zealous patriots, left unsatiated by their mere print copy of the document, can have the entire riveting two hours of recitation on their very own two-disc sets. But wait, there’s more! For just an extra $100, they could receive a bonus signed remix edition in which Rep. Eric Cantor, R-Va., raps the Bill of Rights.

Alternatively, the RNC could look to national politics as a model. The Republicans’ solution to our national debt is to cut funding.

According to the Wall Street Journal, this week Republicans will present “a 2012 budget proposal that would cut more than $4 trillion from federal spending projected over the next decade.”

So the RNC could just cut something like two-thirds of its spending and get rid of all of those unnecessary bureaucratic positions and the millions spent gratifying its every desire.

According to CBS, both national parties spend two-thirds of their money “on the care and comfort of committee staffs and on efforts to raise more funds, with lavish spending on limousines, expensive hotels, meals and tips.”

Now I know that limousines and Thai spa treatments are way more important than Medicare — so these cuts won’t be easy — but hopefully the RNC will find a way to make these tragic sacrifices for the American people.

As for my last idea, I admit is a little out there. It’s kind of crazy. But maybe if GOP congressmen created some of these jobs they’ve been promising, their thankful constituents might donate to the party.

Because according to the committee’s “Heat Map” — a fun little graphic on the RNC homepage that shows the “intensity” of donations by state — donations have been mild at best. Even Texas, which leads donations as of yesterday morning, doled out a mere $1,145, proving once and for all that not everything is big in Texas — at least when it comes to handing money over to politicians who fail to deliver on pretty much everything.

E-mail Molly at mog4@pitt.edu.