Kozlowski: Charlie Sheen needs help. No, really

Human beings have an astonishing tendency to concern themselves with other people’s business…. Human beings have an astonishing tendency to concern themselves with other people’s business. From the nosy neighbors of fiction and reality to the endless game of espionage played by governments and corporations, we demonstrate our intense interest in the lives and actions of others, even in cases when those actions are irrelevant to us. Unless I happen to be a TV executive or one of his ex-wives, the actions of Charlie Sheen don’t matter in my day-to-day life. Yet why are a record number of people clinging to his every brain dropping on Twitter, and why is he able to parlay his role from “Two and a Half Men” into a series of appearances on talk shows and maybe even a talk show of his own?

Although I have no interest in or use for People, Us, Them, You-All, Aliens or Celebrity Bass Fishing Weekly, I do have a few theories as to why celebrities, particularly self-destructive ones like Sheen, command such a following. For one thing, the average human life is pretty boring. We get up, eat breakfast, go to work, discuss bass fishing, come home, eat and go to bed. Much as we enjoy the idea of some excitement to break this monotonous routine, the vast majority of us would prefer it to be a safe and predictable form of excitement. And safe excitement is rather difficult to accomplish, unless we enjoy it vicariously. Blind dating and bungee jumping are much more fun seen on TV when it is somebody else taking on the risks which we can enjoy watching from a safe distance. Lindsay Lohan is funny if you aren’t her, and the person who enjoys a Darwin Award least is the winner.

Celebrities also provide us with a continuous stream of stories that have very simple plots that are easy to follow. Chaos in Libya has many elements, from the domino effect triggered by protests in Tunisia and Egypt to the corrupt 42-year reign of Muammar Qaddafi. There is a tribal component to the conflict, and its outcome is uncertain. Not only that, there are so many ways to spell “Qaddafi,” and that just happens to be the spelling favored by CBS. In other news, Charlie Sheen just said something completely crazy! Which of these two stories is easier to follow and understand? Which of these stories would make for a smash-hit sitcom?

Obviously, there is also an element of Schadenfreude, or taking pleasure in other’s misfortune, when we enjoy  the most destructive kind of celebrity stories. We see a rich and famous person look like a fool or have a meteoric fall and it makes us feel better about ourselves. Although we don’t have the wealth and fame, we find comfort in having a dollop of common sense. We can by some measure judge ourselves superior to those who have debilitating addictions along with fame and fortune. And the more arrogant or self-assured the celebrity, the more enjoyable it is to see him fall. I would wager that if, say, Oprah Winfrey were to start behaving like Sheen, we wouldn’t see either as much coverage or as much glee at that sort of behavior.

Of course, whether we should care is another matter entirely. I’m inclined to think that we should because the fact that Sheen’s antics have found a willing audience tells us disturbing things about the media and about ourselves. The coverage of Sheen is in a way tragic and disgusting. Sheen is not a well man. He’s had problems with substance abuse and domestic violence. He also seems to have a penchant for ranting. For some reason, this is treated as entertainment. If you found a mentally ill person on Forbes Avenue who had just been fired from his job, thrust a camera in his face and posted the results on YouTube, people would call you disgusting. Find a famous person with similar problems, blast the results across TV and you make money. Nobody would dispute that the person on Forbes needs help, whereas there is a debate over just how much help Charlie Sheen needs. The only difference between the two people is that one is famous and the other is not. This disturbing duality suggests that those who are famous forfeit aspects of human dignity by virtue of their fame.

This duality would be less worrying if at least the public were learning the right lesson. It is not. Rather, the public is being led to the conclusion that erratic behavior is amusing. The lesson from media ravenous for other lives to invade is that acting like Sheen is one way to keep your name in the headlines, generate a following and gain a reputation as a “bad boy.” Acting in a particularly goofy fashion is portrayed as a way to succeed. The lesson that should be taken away instead? Nobody is immune from potential difficulties, and those who find themselves in trouble should seek help immediately.

E-mail Mark at kozthought@gmail.com.