Satire | What your favorite song from Red (Taylor’s Version) says about you

Taylor Swift re-released her classic 2012 album Red in order to own her music again, but I’m sure you heard this already since everyone and their mom seems to be talking about it. This re-release features nine new tracks from the vault including a 10-minute version of her song “All Too Well” for you to cry to in the shower while thinking about your ex. 

While liking any song on Red (Taylor’s Version) means that you hate Jake Gyllenhaal, here’s what your favorite track really says about you.

State of Grace (Taylor’s Version)

Congratulations on liking the best album intro that Taylor Swift has ever made! You’re into astrology and I have a feeling that you liked to watch Hannah Montana when you were a kid.

Red (Taylor’s Version)

Hey English major! I know you enjoy a good simile like Taylor, and I feel like you have a great fashion taste with lots of different colors.

Treacherous (Taylor’s Version)

You’re not like other girls, you’re actually sadder than them. Are you okay if this is your favorite? Make sure not to drive near any cliffs, because these slopes are treacherous.

I Knew You Were Trouble (Taylor’s Version)

Is this really your favorite or have you just not listened to this album since 2012? I’m sure you laughed really hard at the goat remix back in the day and you don’t know why everyone is hating on Jake Gyllenhaal right now, but you’re along for the fight.

All Too Well (Taylor’s Version)

Have you ever gotten over anything, ever? You still reminisce about your week-long middle school relationship even though it’s been like 10 years. Also, you have taste — this is my favorite song off of Red.

22 (Taylor’s Version)

You just turned 22.

I Almost Do (Taylor’s Version)

You miss country Taylor and you’re sad, like really really sad. Also, you want to call your ex but DON’T!

We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together (Taylor’s Version)

You LOVE the ad-libs in this song and have to sing them every time you hear it. You have also not listened to this album since 2012.

Stay Stay Stay (Taylor’s Version)

You are adorable. I know you defend this song with your whole heart against the haters who say it sounds like background music to a bad Facebook craft video. To those haters, you say that it’s one of Taylor’s best bridges. I commend you.

The Last Time (feat. Gary Lightbody of Snow Patrol) (Taylor’s Version)

I just know that you dramatically laid on the ground listening to Chasing Cars when you were like 10. It’s not that deep homie. You’ll be okay.

Holy Ground (Taylor’s Version)

I know you were conflicted when this song became a TikTok trend. Don’t you hate it when your favorites become trends? You tend to be a glass-half-full kind of person and as a pessimist, I salute you!

Sad Beautiful Tragic (Taylor’s Version)

You often find yourself reminiscing about the one who got away. Go find them and reconnect! It’s cuffing season!

The Lucky One (Taylor’s Version)

You read historical fiction and have a weird obsession with the ‘60s. You loved folklore and evermore when they came out because they embraced Taylor’s amazing storytelling.

Everything Has Changed (feat. Ed Sheeran) (Taylor’s Version)

You don’t understand the Ed Sheeran hatred, the man wrote “The A Team” for crying out loud! You also over-romanticize every interaction with your crush. They just held the door for you, it’s not that deep.

Starlight (Taylor’s Version)

Do you really like this one or do you just want to date a Kennedy like Taylor? You’re super classy and love vintage clothes. You also are an animal on the dance floor, I wish I had your moves.

Begin Again (Taylor’s Version)

You’re a tall person and were personally offended that someone told Taylor not to wear high heels. Also, you can’t believe that someone told Taylor she isn’t funny, have they not seen her on Saturday Night Live?

The Moment I Knew (Taylor’s Version)

Your significant other skipped your 21st birthday.

Come Back…Be Here (Taylor’s Version)

You dramatically looked out the car window pretending to be in a music video when you listen to this song.

Girl at Home (Taylor’s Version)

You felt betrayed when Taylor changed this song but, honestly, she made it much more palatable. You’re ahead of your time and will be appreciated in the future just as this classic has.

State of Grace (Acoustic Version) (Taylor’s Version)

You love sad songs so when Taylor made a slow and depressing version of State of Grace, you were all over it.

Ronan (Taylor’s Version)

You defend this song with your life and rightfully so. The story behind this song is enough to make even the toughest person cry.

Better Man (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault) 

You blame everything on your ex. I know they broke your heart, but they aren’t the reason that you failed your last biology test.

Nothing New (feat. Phoebe Bridgers) (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault)

You’re having a quarter-life crisis and romanticize high school even though you had a terrible time during it. I want to give you a hug, everything will be alright!

Babe (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault)

You LOVED Lorde’s new album “Solar Power,” like way more than the average listener. 

Message In A Bottle (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault)

You miss the bubble gum pop of the early 2000s and just love a good bop. 

I Bet You Think Of Me (feat. Chris Stapleton) (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault)

You REALLY miss country Taylor. You’re petty but in a tolerable way, like you only make fun of people who really deserve it. Also, you love “Gossip Girl.”

Forever Winter (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault)

Seasonal depression hits you hard. Get some sunlight!

Run (feat. Ed Sheeran) (Taylor’s Version)  (From The Vault)

You wish Justin Vernon was on this song instead of Ed Sheeran but you tolerate it (get it?!).

The Very First Night (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault)

You are so confused that Taylor rhymed “picture” and “you” but you love a good bop so you ignore it. You are a very nostalgic person but in a good way, not in a way that it ruins your life.

All Too Well (10 Minute Version) (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault)

You hate Jake Gyllenhaal, and you wish he would give Taylor the scarf back. You’re in love with Dylan O’Brien and/or Sadie Sink and sobbed watching the music video. You’re so glad that Taylor gave you double the amount of song to cry to and you have not shut up about the Red re-release since it came out.

Rachel Soloff writes primarily about the entertainment industry and social justice. Write to her at RJS191@pitt.edu.