Simkin: A tasty, albeit terrifying, cookie treat

There are a lot of thoughts you don’t want to pop into your head when you walk into your… There are a lot of thoughts you don’t want to pop into your head when you walk into your kitchen — “What a disgusting mess,” “Are those ants?” and, “Someone has finished all of my milk AGAIN,” for instance.

But I bet you’ve never thought, “Good God, those things are crimes against man and nature and are going to kill us all in our sleep!”

I have, when my roommate decided to experiment with the Internet sensation of Oreo-stuffed chocolate chip cookies. The result was obscenely heavy monstrosities bigger than your fist, covering all available counter space — they wouldn’t fit on the normal cookie-cooling rack. It looked as though the kitchen had been taken over by tiny limb-deficient aliens, and I didn’t feel entirely safe until they were all firmly secured in Tupperware.

One might speculate that the combination of two fundamentally delicious entities — Oreos and chocolate chip cookies — could yield only good things. One would be, in this food columnist’s estimation, dead wrong. Oreos are one of those rare foods that are actually best when store-bought as opposed to homemade, much like Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. My roommate, however, operating under her usual “go big or go home” philosophy, decided to make her own.

She began with a basic chocolate cookie dough: 2 cups of flour, 1 teaspoon of salt, 1/2 teaspoon of baking soda, 1 cup of softened butter, 3/4 cup of brown sugar, 3/4 cup of white sugar, 3/4 cup unsweetened baking cocoa, 2 eggs and 1 teaspoon vanilla extract. A note: Tempting as it might look, do not attempt to snack on raw unsweetened baking cocoa — the people attempting to bake with it will be cross with you and it really isn’t tasty.

If you were making cranberry-walnut-chocolate or triple-chocolate cookies or some other baked good that strives to achieve only an everyday level of decadence, the process would stop shortly. For this recipe, however, bake silver dollar-sized plain chocolate cookies for 10 minutes at 350 degrees. They will look like flat wafers, which is fine: The more they rise and fluff up, the more massive the resulting cookie will be.

While those cool, beat together half a stick of unsalted butter, 1/4 cup of vegetable shortening, 2 cups confectioners’ sugar and 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract until light and fluffy — this is your Oreo stuffing. Cement the cookies together into moon-pie-esque sandwiches.

To stuff or to double-stuff: Does any part of this smack of moderation to you? Go all out.

Of course, it would be unfair not to stop at this juncture and appreciate your handiwork so far. What you’ve made aren’t genuine Oreos, and don’t have that fantastic prefabricated childhood taste, but they might be satisfying nonetheless.

For the next step you’ll need more chocolate chip cookie dough. Combine 1 cup softened butter, 3/4 cup granulated sugar, 3/4 cup brown sugar, 1 teaspoon vanilla extract, 2 eggs, 2 and 1/4 cups flour, 1 teaspoon baking soda, 1/2 teaspoon salt and 2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips.

At this point, wrap each Oreo in just enough chocolate chip cookie dough to cover it completely. How much is just enough? Approximately six regular cookies worth, by my roommate’s estimate. Bake your monstrosities for 15 to 20 minutes at 350 degrees on parchment paper. When they’re finished they will look like behemoth lumps of chocolate chip cookie, and only you will know the sinister secret of the homemade Oreo lurking inside.

Would I make them on a regular basis? Most assuredly not. Are they too bizarre and fun not to try at least once? You be the judge.