Green: Ron Paul is no one’s ‘Apprentice’

Stories involving Ron Paul might cause some to break into tears, but you might not expect why I… Stories involving Ron Paul might cause some to break into tears, but you might not expect why I did.

Recently I read a Christian Science Monitor article titled, “Ron Paul vs. Donald Trump: Who’s got a better chance of being president?” Upon finishing it, I sat in my bedroom and cried. I cried for America. I cried for the Republican Party. But most of all, I cried for Arnold Schwarzenegger, who will never have the opportunity to embarrass himself in this manner.

The Trump-Paul feud began at last week’s Conservative Political Action Conference, during which Trump said that “while he liked Mr. Paul personally, the Texas congressman had a ‘zero’ chance of getting elected president,” according to the Christian Science Monitor.

Paul, knowing this was a lie and that his chances were actually closer to 2 percent, shot back at Trump — with a vengeance.

“How many times has Donald Trump been elected?” he complained on Monday’s “Morning Joe” on MSNBC. “Does he have, really, the right to go and criticize others and say they’re [unelectable]?”

Paul, who also was sure to point out that he’s been elected to public office 11 times, is himself quite experienced in losing presidential primary bids, having done so in 1988 and again in 2008.

Naturally, the whole debacle resulted in one of my favorite things of all time: a celebrity catfight. Though not nearly as enthralling as Trump’s catfight with Rosie O’Donnell — during which she mocked his comb-over and called him a “snake-oil salesman” and he referred to her as his “nice fat little Rosie” — I suppose it will have to do.

Ironically, while Paul’s chances of winning are about on par with that of a block of Wisconsin cheese, it’s Trump who, statistically, has a 0 percent chance of being elected president.

According to political expert Larry Sabato, whose website “Crystal Ball” ranks the GOP presidential contenders, Trump is dead last, with his only advantages being “high media visibility and TV savvy,” and his disadvantages listed as, “no public office experience,” “colorful life/media scrutiny” and “perceived as a stunt.”

Paul was ranked just slightly higher, coming in at No. 15 of the 19 possible candidates.

Trump has since sought to legitimize himself by appearing on an interview with Fox News’ Greta Van Susteren, apparently while overlooking some kind of Austrian castle.

During the interview, Trump talked about a range of topics, from being conservative to being Republican.

“I’m a very conservative person. I’m very big into the military. I’m a great guy for defense,” he said. “I am probably as conservative as anybody on your show, and that’s going a pretty strong step. I’m a Republican. I’m a very conservative Republican. I believe strongly in just about all conservative principles.”

Personally, my favorite part of the interview was when Trump talked about his business dinners with the Chinese, whom he is “forced to work with.” And I guess at these dinners, at which I can only assume he is “forced” to gobble down expensive food and wine, the Chinese told him something along the lines of, “Donald. We cannot believe what we are getting away with. We are getting away with so much.”

According to CNN, “If Trump were to win the election in 2012, he said his first action would be imposing a 25 percent tax on Chinese products to make sure the Chinese government is ‘treating us fairly.’”

So I guess what I think Trump is trying to tell us is that he does have plenty of political experience. His years of gloating, self-interested,  business practices and blind, block-conservative voting certainly has him up there with such other conservative treasures as presidential contender Newt Gingrich and the ineffable Mr. Glenn Beck.

Ultimately, the Trump-Paul feud has little political weight. Neither stands much chance in earning the Republican presidential nomination or even posing much of a threat to GOP frontrunners like Mitt Romney or Mike Huckabee.

However, the possibilities for entertainment are endless.

For now, this catfight has cooled down to a slow simmer, but I wait with eager anticipation for Trump or Paul’s next move. Though I fear nothing can quite compare to Trump’s ominous warning, uttered with the oily, menacing certainty of Jafar, “Rosie will rue the words!”

Perhaps, yet again, only Barbara Walters can bring peace.

E-mail Molly at mog4@pitt.edu.