Bateman: Finding rich people who love you — the key to happiness

On the reality show “Secret Millionaire,” the rich go undercover in deprived neighborhoods… On the reality show “Secret Millionaire,” the rich go undercover in deprived neighborhoods to locate worthy poor people upon whom they can bestow their blessings as well as a few thousand dollars of spending money. This reminded us of that one ancient myth in which an old man and woman believe they’re letting a beggar stay in their house, only to discover that the guest is a god in disguise. The more we thought about this, the more we realized how apt the connection was — the rich are like gods who walk among us. Given that these godlike rich form the backbone of our society, we’ve decided to prepare a helpful FAQ list that will shed light on their glamorous and mysterious lifestyles.

What foods do the rich eat?

The rich wouldn’t dream of consuming potato chips or Coke — not even if the former are organic and the latter is made from hand-harvested sugarcane. Styrofoam cups and plastic utensils never brush against the collagen-injected lips of the rich. The rich can’t believe that anyone would condescend to purchase a $5 pizza. Discount coupons are never clipped by the rich. The rich refuse 2-for-1 specials and won’t have anything to do with Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, even in an ironic way. The rich feed caviar — made from the endangered beluga sturgeon — to their genetically engineered toy dogs. The rich are always going to dinner parties and benefit galas in support of distressed places. The rich wouldn’t dream of eating shellfish after Labor Day.

What kind of jobs do the rich have?

For the rich, time is money. The rich couldn’t stop wheeling and dealing if they tried. The rich are going short on hog futures and making credit-default swaps. The rich play the market the way the poor play the slots at casinos owned by the rich. The rich have enough clout to break the Chinese yuan. The rich keep getting richer, but that’s how it has to work when you’ve got a son at Oxford and a daughter at Princeton. The interest you pay to your credit card company subsidizes the hobbies enjoyed by the rich. However, the rich contend that the heavy taxes they pay have stifled their creativity, innovation and ability to purchase luxury condominiums near sunny beaches. The rich have corner offices in skyscrapers named after their grandparents.

How should you behave around the rich?

Anyone who has watched “Secret Millionaire” knows that the rich have warm hearts and deep pockets. Since they have security guards and attack dogs to protect them, never approach the rich from behind. The rich reside in gated communities. The rich aren’t used to touching callouses, so remember to use moisturizer before shaking their hands. If the rich seem to have thin skins, it’s because they’re used to commanding total obedience from their subordinates. The rich in America aren’t royalty, but they probably wouldn’t mind if you curtsied or perhaps even genuflected when you meet them. The rich expect nothing but the best.

What do the rich do for fun?

The rich purchase and trade sports teams. When the mood strikes, the rich jet off to exotic locales to mingle with their rich friends. The rich don’t watch television or read the newspapers, because they’re immune to the vicissitudes of life. Humor is lost on the rich, who can never figure out why comedians are always satirizing them. The rich know how to sail yachts and ride horses. They can’t tell good things from bad because they’ve never experienced the bad. The rich are just like us, except for their special privileges and unique opportunities.

How can you become rich?

This is a very good question, but the rich have been rich for so long that they can’t remember how they got rich. That hasn’t stopped some of the rich from writing get-rich-quick books, though. The only people who get rich from these books are the rich. If you ask the rich, they’ll tell you it takes money to make money. One good way to make money is to befriend one of the rich after he or she has gone undercover to mingle with the poor. Another way is to invent an exciting new product that the rich can market to people who aren’t rich. If all else fails, the rich are accepting applications for nannies, butlers and maids.

As you can see, the rich are a special class. If “Secret Millionaire” is any indication, it might even be possible to meet the rich. We’ve never met them, but our hopes remain high. We want the rich to deem us worthy of their priceless love.

Oliver Bateman is the wealth manager at the Moustache Prosperity Club of America. If you’d like to learn how to develop a second revenue stream that will help you meet all of your financial dreams, visit moustacheclubofamerica.com to learn our state-of-the-art business methods.