Fashionably late on the road to success

Editor’s Note: This is a satirical column.

College is a time in every student’s life that calls for a lot of sleep. So why not get some?. 

Many students think they do not have the time to get a good night’s rest, complaining that they need to stay up late and wake up early to complete their homework and trek to class on time. This concern is baseless. In fact, experts on campus have confirmed that sleeping in and showing up to class 10-20 minutes late can be highly beneficial.

“Honestly, the first 10-20 minutes of any lecture is pointless,” said a professor that requested to remain anonymous. “Everyone knows that you can show up well-rested a little late and still get everything you would need out of a lecture.”

Furthermore, students who are late to class create a sense of authoritativeness over their peers. While the majority of the class has long been seated and is diligently taking notes, walking in late causes a momentary lapse in their concentration, which can give peers a more admirable impression of the latecomer. Students can enhance this effect by making extra noise while sitting down and getting their notebooks, which is especially effective when enough noise is made so that others cannot hear the professor.

“When a student walks in late, I am definitely more inclined to give him or her a higher final score,” said Pitt political philosophy professor Jonathan Locke. “Nothing makes me want to give a student a good grade more than them being disruptive when arriving to class.”

More studies demonstrate that coming to class late with food in hand can even further help build a positive image with professors. 

“A student that comes into class late because they were getting food definitely cares properly fueling his or her body to learn,” Locke said. “The only reason I would ever deduct points from a student is if they don’t give me a bite when they first come in. Seriously, pass me that egg-and-cheese bagel, stat.”

Once finally settled into class, it is very important to double-check to make sure no important material was covered in the first part of class. Although simply whispering to your neighbor might seem like the most effective method, many professors have said they prefer when students ask them to recap the previous 10 minutes. Professors who use PowerPoint presentations during their classes even suggested walking up to the computer and simply going back through the slides to find all of the important notes.

“I’m assuming most of the students that show up to class on time are asleep for the first 10 minutes anyway,” Locke said, adding that, “If a late student goes back a few slides mid-lecture, most of the other students probably find it helpful as well.”

Showing up late can even be beneficial on exam days. Arriving 20 minutes late to exams gives your peers a chance to complete part of the test, so that when you come in you can simply sneak a peek at their Scantron sheets — and be halfway done before you know it!

So, next time your dreaded alarm goes off, don’t hesitate to hit that snooze button. Once you finally do wake up, feel free to take a nice long shower and stop by your local Einstein Bros Bagels before making your grand entrance at that class.

Ben Morgenstern primarily writes about education and social issues for The Pitt News.

Write to Ben at bdm46@pitt.edu.