Green: Improving upon Oprah

It’s about time we discussed the hottest new thing in pop culture — the Oprah Winfrey… It’s about time we discussed the hottest new thing in pop culture — the Oprah Winfrey Network! It’s new, it’s sort of fresh — or at least reheated in the microwave — and everyone is talking about it. Piers Morgan practically frothed at the mouth after securing Oprah as his first guest upon filling Larry King’s slot on CNN, which might be have been impressive if Oprah hadn’t already been making the media rounds and pimping OWN — the network’s clever, self-empowering acronym — out to everyone and anyone.

The network, which premiered Jan. 1 and reaches 80 million households across the United States, hit the airwaves like an open hand against a slab of cheese. Though initially quite successful — 13 million tuned in during the network’s first days, and 1 million alone on its first night, according to Reuters — viewership dwindled faster than the droves of blackbirds spiraling to their deaths across Arkansas and Louisiana. Ratings were down to just 321,000 by the night of Jan. 4, according to data from Nielsen Co., and in the network’s target of women 25-54, OWN went from an opening night rating of 0.6 to a 0.2 at the start of the week, according to Entertainment Weekly.

The question here, of course, is how? And, more importantly, why? Have the American people forsaken all that is good and coiffed in this world? Do they no longer crave therapeutic gardening techniques and John Steinbeck books? Is the sky even blue?

Although the haters conjectured from the beginning that the network would be too much — all Oprah, all the time — the project was received warmly by critics. Alessandra Stanley of The New York Times called it “a place where cynicism takes a holiday and mockery hasn’t yet been invented.”

Even ole grumbly Bernie Goldberg had some kind words, admitting that “what [Oprah’s] trying to do here, on this new network, is a very good thing. She says … she wants a network with no cynicism, with no mean-spiritedness,” during an appearance on “The O’Reilly Factor.”

Oprah, herself, was “delighted,” with the network launch, according to Reuters, and claims she “can’t wait to do it full time.”

It would seem, then, that this sanctuary from life’s cruel realities is the perfect draw for Oprah’s usual middle-aged-soccer-moms-on-antidepressants demographic. And Lord knows Discovery Communications, the company that owns the network, marketed the crap out of it, orchestrating a series of “inspirational” promotional trailers released throughout the fall in an attempt to get us all super-hyped. Personally, I’m a fan of the one featuring an Auto-Tuned gospel song as several thousand balloons float around some idyllic, happy city that surely cannot be Chicago.

According to the Associated Press, all in all, Discovery Communications shelled out $189 million to launch the network, which replaces the now-defunct Discovery Health Channel.

I’m a little displeased by the loss of Discovery Health. If I’m no longer able to watch specials on the “Tree Man,” OWN better have some damn good programming.

Most of this programming, unsurprisingly, is a showcase of both guest and topic staples from Oprah’s soon-to-be-concluded daytime talk show.

Such gems include:

“Oprah Presents: Master Class” — an interview show featuring celebrities such as Diane Sawyer and Simon Cowell. Nothing revolutionary; I just enjoy that the phrase “master class” is used to describe them.

“Oprah: Behind the Scenes” — exclusive, behind-the-scenes footage of the making of Oprah’s final season. Here we might learn exciting new information, such as: How does Oprah take her coffee? And how many interns does it take to screw in a light bulb on a multi-million-dollar set?

“The Gayle King Show” — according to OWN’s website, Gayle “will offer her unique perspective on an array of topics,” like nepotism and being Oprah’s best friend.

“Ask Oprah’s All Stars” — this, to me, is the network gold mine. It features not one, not two, but three Oprah-made “stars” — it’s like the Oprah version of VH1s’s “I Love Money.” Like moths to a flame, Dr. Mehmet Oz, Suze Orman and Dr. Phil McGraw return to the spotlight as they “answer viewers’ questions about health, wealth and mental well-being.” In reality, I view this show as something more like “Survivor,” as the three battle it out for the most air time to become the king or queen of giving sanctimonious, condescending advice.

In addition to these high-quality shows, the network also occasionally re-airs classic “menopausal-mom” films like “The Bridges of Madison County,” which aired at 2:45 a.m. Saturday, to my delight.

Yet, it seems even a steady dosage of Meryl Streep is not enough to sustain OWN’s viewers. Perhaps the network is ailing because, like me, people feel there is something missing — some essence that failed to transfer from the talk show to the network. Thus, I’ve compiled a small list of hypothetical shows that I feel capture this essence — shows that might revive the network’s ratings.

1. A show that consists entirely of Oprah calling out celebrities’ names. “Rooobbbeerrrtttt Reeeddddfooorrrddd!” “Shannniiaaaahhhh Twaaaiinn!” “SIR PAUL MCCARTTTNNEEEEYYYYYY!!!” Not only is this classic Oprah, but it’s the type of show that I could — and would — turn on in the background and listen to all day as I loiter around my house.

2. An ’80s-inspired weekly fitness show — roller aerobics with Stedman! Watch out for his catch phrases “I date Oprah!” and “Look at my moustache!”

3. A show featuring Oprah’s hair. It simply consists of video footage of Oprah’s hair across the decades accompanied by a soundtrack of classical piano and electric guitar.

E-mail Molly at mog4@pitt.edu.